memorabilia and the like

When I was home in Wichita for spring break, I got a little scanner happy. it started with pictures... then I couldn't resist when I ran across these three things... how's this for funny:

the first is the map that Mrs. Marhaver, Kelly's mom, made for me when I turned sixteen. Please note the important things that are on it, like Towne East mall, the Palace (movie theater), Hobby Lobby, Quik Trip (for fountain drinks, obv) and Kelly and Jacquie's house. that map was a lifesaver. It got a little embarrassing when everytime I wanted to go somewhere I had to say, "Thomas, (who was what, like, 12 at the time?) can I have directions to Kelly's house?" Thank you, Mama Marhaver.
For the next two we need to spend a minute talking about how awesome my cousin Elaine and I were growing up (and still are, clearly). This is the Official Pen Pal Pact. She mailed it to me and I had to sign both of our copies and send hers back. I have had it ever since. We have never been very good at honoring the pact, if I'm not mistaken, but the thought is definitely there. big hearts Lainey, my FDHT. Only very lucky people know what this stands for...


This last one is near and dear to my heart. it is my fake ID that MFAJ (My Favorite Aunt Jer) made for me (and Elaine, MFDHT) so we could play college. We had this elaborate setup where Gram's guest bedroom was our dorm room, we made class schedules out of stuff Gram had lying around, and we were the captains of everything. And I do mean everything. We basically made a list of activities (i.e.: volleyball, water volleyball (we went to the pool alot), synchronized swimming, cheerleading, dance team... you get the idea) and then divied up who got to be captain of which activity. Elaine and I were the captains of everything that our imaginary college had to offer. Apparently being captains of things was the end-all-be-all of coolness. The year Elaine went to college she wrote me a letter explaining that college was not quite what we had planned for it to be, and that I should be prepared for that. Please note that we lived in California, my name was Kristine Michaels, and that my picture is a cut out of the Christmas card that year. Delightful.

Here are some other things I scanned, for your viewing pleasure:
Me and the infamous Elaine painting american flags on our nails on the 4th of July:Amie, me and Audrie at my high school graduation, looking really stellar:
Thomas, me and Ben at Old Time Photos, which we always ALWAYS wanted to go do at the Lake... please note that I am making sure that you cannot see my braces. Not that I was embarrassed, I'm just all about authenticity, and I'm pretty sure in the olden times they didn't have braces. and this, I mean, I just can't help it. What the heck am I doing?OK I'm sorry... I can't stop... look at our shoes! And Ben's dorky face. I just love it.

AAAAAAAND that's how I spent my Spring Break! jealous?
well... that's not entirely true. I got to hang out with Em and Joel... we didn't take any pictures because we went to a movie and that would have been weird. I also hung out with these two hooligans and we took about a billion pictures of ourselves on photobooth:all in all... it's been a really great week!

this made me laugh really hard today

apparently I'm rambly in the wee hours

It is 12:30 and I am up late thinking about my lovely Bible study tonight. Let me say first - it lasted like 5 hours. Between visiting before, doing the hour study, discussing the hour study, prayer requesting, praying, and then spending time together, I don't see how that will ever end up being a timely situation.
Secondly and more importantly, I think I might love this group. I definitely have a little crush on it, and I might even like like it - and I'm toying with dropping the L bomb. Needless to say. I was struck tonight by the uniqueness of this group, at least in my own life. I have been in some pretty fabulous small groups, in my opinion, but this one is standing out to me so far (and we're only on week 3). I know that it's the people who are making the difference here - and I want so badly to put it into words. I think there are a few things I can put my finger on...

Last week, since I had to fly home at the last minute, I missed our study. I called the leader, my friend Joel, and told him what had happened and that I wouldn't be there that evening. In calling him, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would be prayed for and that my family would as well. And yes, that isn't terribly novel - but I hardly know these people! They don't know much about me or I about them. But I knew that they would meet that need authentically and awesomely. That's the only way I know to describe it. I took note of this as a unique feeling.

I thought a lot tonight about community and what community should really look like as followers of Christ. As one sweet woman shared about her terribly personal struggles with infertility, filled with apprehension in sharing and subsequent gratitude at our response to her, I was struck by how so often we are resistant to share what is really on our hearts. As deep as her grief in the loss of two pregnancies, her babies, runs - she was still worried about what our response would be to her. This tells me one thing: there is something going terribly wrong with the church and with the body of Christ as a whole. Christian community should be a safe place to bear one another's burdens, to comfort and cover one another in prayer. I don't know if you have ever found yourself sharing something of yourself and suddenly feeling the urge to apologize for yourself? That is what I'm talking about. Tonight in my new friend's story I heard that longing that we all share to be who we are despite all the crap that infiltrates our lives and the shame we experience as a result. We got to share in our different losses together and be there for each other in a way that was really quite beautiful.

Lastly, as we rallied around another member who is struggling to quit smoking, I listened to these friends of mine talk to this guy as though we were about to go into battle with him. An intense analogy, but the point is that this guy is struggling and asking for prayer and people are going out of their way and instead of going through the week praying, "Please let so and so quit smoking" and that be the end of it - asking what WE can do as a community and as people who care for him to help him. Simple, yes. Easy, not so much. I wondered to myself in that moment if I was as willing as these two soldiers to join with this almost complete stranger in battle - and I found that I really was. As he was prayed for by another member of the group, they prayed that our friend would know that we, as a community, were prepared to be warriors for him - that we were ready to be there for the battle. I know that when I need them, these people will rally around me in the same way.

I am so so so thankful, at this point in my life, that I have such brave warriors to fight with me. I definitely wouldn't limit that to this group - but I would without hesitation extend it to my family, to my sweet friends here in Denver, in Kansas, and in Texas. I think I got a great picture tonight of what genuine Christian community is intended to be like. We fight for each other; we bear one another's burdens; we cover one another in prayer. We are who we are and we ignore that urge to apologize for it. We care for one another on a deep level beyond how well we know one another.
Every now and then I think we get a glimpse of something really, really, deeply good. Something that is really true. The main character in the book I just read for book club, Perry L. Crandall, is a mentally challenged (but not retarded) man who wins the lottery. Perry would always bounce when he got really excited about something. Nights like tonight make me want to bounce.
And in the words of Perry L. Crandall:
"That is so cool."

a note on job security

So I'm in this coffee shop trying to study. Simple enough. However, I am not sure which is more perturbing: the fact that I simply cannot make my fingers type words about the nature of personhood, or the 27 (quite possibly not an exaggeration) teenyboppers who just infiltrated Solid Grounds with their skinny jeans and swoopy hair and hair ribbons and general LOUDNESS. don't get me wrong - I love a good teenybopper. It is a known fact - I truly do. but at this moment I am finding myself filled with very little teeny love.
Here's what I see from where I sit: three giddy teeny girls trying very hard to act cooler than they are while a clearly very cool teeny boy with a metal studded belt holding his pants in place directly in the center of his butt approaches to sweep them off their collective feet. Awkward teenybopper side hugs as far as the eye can see!! Maybe I can count this time as observation hours or something for my degree. That sounds fair, right? and that way I'm not totally wasting my life at this moment.

I'll just keep telling myself that this scene should inspire me to learn as much as I can so I can be a really good counselor to teenybopper girls who are enraptured by teenybopper boys with their pants that show their butts. They need my help, they need my help, they need my help...

Ok. The decision is made. I legitimately cannot get anything done in this environment - albeit inspiring. Off I go to my home where I will inevitably be enticed more by my bed than my ethics book and personhood paper. Such is life. At least I have been reminded that the need for my profession will be alive and well as long as teenyboppers are still teenyboppers. Job security is always a good thing.

one day at a time

i'm here, and that's good.
it's been a rough couple of days. my grandpa, Jim, passed away on Thursday morning after a long battle with his health, cancer, old age, and all that. I am so sad to lose him, but I'm thankful that his struggle is over and that he's not in any pain anymore. Tomorrow Thomas and I will go to Kansas City for a reception in his honor, to be with our Nana as well as Dad and cousins, etc. I have such great memories of Jim when I was a little girl - I just thought he was the greatest person. He was funny and joyful and made me so happy. We always called him Jim because he was our Dad's stepdad, but Mom tells me that whenever I talked about them I called them "my Nana and my Jim." He will always be My Jim.
I am also spending time with my sister Audrie and the rest of my family as Audrie fights stupid cancer in the hospital. She is a rockstar and a constant picture of strength and dignity and I'm just glad to get to be here spending time with her. I ask for your continued prayer over her, that God would heal her body, that the doctors would be given wisdom and discernment as to her treatment and care. It is so nice to be home with my family, all together during this crappy time. you can read what is going on at Aud's CaringBridge page: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/audriesparks.
Thanks to all of you who are already praying for me and for my sister and family. I have felt so much love from all sides, and I am so thankful for all of my friends in Denver and all over the place. We are so blessed and I am so happy to be all together here in Wichita. Keep the prayers coming!

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.... Therefore we do not lose heart." 2 Corinthians 4

p.s.

in the "put a penny in the slot" post I used the word 'awesome' more often than I'm comfortable with. I'd like to take a moment to apologize for not putting more effort in for more thoughtful adjectives. I'll be more conscientious in the future. promise.

it's my prerogative (doo doo doo doo doo)

in other news, you may have noticed that I am trying out new blog titles. I'm a little bit sick of "exactly how you hear it," even though it has treated me well over the year (and some change). the times they are a changin'...

put a penny in the slot

here's what I'm doing: cleaning. deep cleaning. and laundry. including sheets. organizing my life. getting ready for another busy week. recovering from a busy weekend of birthdays and general merriment. being excited about the 2 hour movie event of Brothers and Sisters tonight!

here's what I'm loving: the season of Lent - seriously - I am loving it. I went to an awesome Ash Weds service and since then have just been all about this Lenten thing... this is potentially the first time I have taken the time to take Lent really seriously and actually wonder about what the whole deal entails. we had an awesome sermon this morning about giving God what we least want to give. so good.
I'm also loving my internship... I am having so much fun getting to know the kids. I have one 2nd grader who I see on a fairly regular basis - and every time I go to his classroom to pick him up, he pumps his arm and says "Yesssss!" under his breath. makes my day every single time.

here's what I'm listening to: "I Don't Know" - by Lisa Hannigan. It is the best song I have heard in a LONG time... I can't get enough. here's my fave line: "I don't know if you can dance - if the thought ever occurred to you; if you eat what you've been given or you push it around your plate... I'd like to cook for you, all the same. If you want to, I am game." I'm also enjoying Ingrid Michaelson's live cover of Radiohead's "Creep." both are more than worth the 99 cents on iTunes.

here's what I'm reading: Lottery, by Patricia Wood... for Book Club! I like it so far... and Mom and I have the same book for our respective book clubs this month! so fun! I also read for school every now and then, too.

here's what I'm looking forward to: my spring break trip to Houston and San Antonio. the Bachelor Finale tomorrow night (finally I get my Monday nights back!). my friend Juli from high school moving here this summer! my friend Jenn from Trinity visiting and potentially moving here this summer as well!

here's whats new: I started attending a new Bible study and we're doing the Truth Project - just like Mom and Tim are doing in Wichita! I enjoyed the first week a lot. The question that he posed at the end has me thinking: "Do you really believe that what you believe is really real?" umm... do I? I mean, I'm tempted to say yes... but my life pretty much says otherwise. if I believe in the mighty, saving grace of God... well, lets just say that my life doesn't so much reflect that I believe that. which troubles me pretty greatly. I believe a lot of lies. I'm looking forward to being reminded of the Truth!

here's what I'm laughing at

that about covers whats going on in my life. just wanted to keep you up to date. and I've got to be honest... I also just wanted something easy to add and cross off my to-do list. I love adding silly things like "upload pictures to facebook" and "update blog" and then crossing them off like I've really gotten something big accomplished. it's the little things, I suppose.

learning lessons left and right

Often in my lifetime, I have misunderstood.
Flashback to the mid-90's: Mom gets Mariah Carey's "Hero" on CD for the first time. We are listening to it, and I, as a young thing, am swooning. The song ends, and I say to mom, "I think Chris **** is my hero." (I won't use his name, in the interest of protecting my childhood crush from googling his name and finding my blog... on second thought...) Mom says, "You idiot. The hero is inside YOU. Can you even hear?" Ok so she didn't say that - but she pointed out to me that the hero wasn't some 10 year old boy. Even then, I had missed the point. I saw something great (a Hero) and picked someone who could play that role for me.
Thank you, Mariah.

Last night I did a similar thing, because apparently I haven't grown up much. I was listening to my precious tiny red iPod on shuffle, as per usual, and who came on but none other than Allen Levi [Note to the reader: Allen Levi is an old-man Young Life singer who my mother loves and we shamelessly mock her by singing "sooomeonnne got a letter!" at her... I only like one song of his at all ever and it's this one] singing "Love of a Different Kind." Old-Manness aside, it's a good song.

"There's this beautiful princess, and there's a handsome prince. They look so good together; they make perfect sense. It's a storybook romance, the kind we like to see. This is love - the way we're told it should be.
But what if the prince found a poor ragged girl with a blemished face? Let's say, a girl from a ghetto. Crippled, and frightened, and bitter - from a different race. If he said, "I adore you, won't you please be mine?" We'd say this is love - of a different kind.
Love from a different place and a different time... We'd say this is love from a different heart and a different mind. Beautiful kindness almost seems bizarre. Extravagant blindness seems not to see her scars. He holds up the chalice, she drinks the wine - this is love of a different kind.
She looks in the mirror now, without disgrace. I am that girl, you are the girl with the blemished face. You see, this is love of a different kind."

So I start off in Disneyland, imagining Belle and the Beast... thinking about how someday my prince will come and it will be this beautiful story and blah, blah, blah. Long story short (without gaining you entry into too much of my crazy brain), I spend my time thinking of how in the future all these incredible things will happen, how I will know these great loves. I spend my time worrying about how this love will manifest itself in my immediate life. And just like the other day on the elliptical, my friends, I hear that still, small, voice; chock-full of kindness and patience - "You idiot. I already love you! Can you even hear?" God loves me like this right now. With beautiful kindness and extravagant blindness. I don't know why God's love is so hard for me to get - but it is so much bigger and grander than any prince or parent or friend... and it is often the last love I find myself longing for. There is so much to be thankful for, so much I am blessed by RIGHT NOW... and here I am toying with SOMEDAY. We can look in the mirror now without disgrace. Doesn't say anything about someday. And Allen Levi doesn't lie.

and I have so much to learn.

bye-yum-pum-pum

I've been all in the mood to blog the last couple days - and I have absolutely nothing to say. Ha.
So I'll tell you that first of all, last night was the first Book Club of my life, and it was everything I dreamed it would be. I have ALWAYS wanted to be in a book club - as many of you know, I heart reading, and I do it as often as possible. So a couple months ago, a friend was talking about her book club, and before I know it, it's the third Tuesday of February and I am in a coffee shop speed reading "Infidel" by Ayaan Hirsi Ali and at book club, book completed, by 7. Look at me go. And so, the verdict is in, Book Club is every bit as fun as I thought it would be. I feel way smarter and more grown up today than I have in a long time because I spent last night drinking wine with other grown ups and talking about modern-day Islam. WHAT UP!

Secondly, my favorite blog of all time, Stuff Christians Like, was lovely again today. I'd suggest you read it: Wondering if We're Worth Anything.

happy hump day... as soon as my iPod is done charging, I'm heading to the Y. No love-song-skipping today! and since I have a few minutes... here are some pictures from the weekend:

performing a dramatic skit at Seminary Olympics (we won by the way):
"the triplets" at my friend Erin's Valentine's shin-dig:
and last but not least, out downtown on valentine's day:I also feel, as a parting thought, that you should know that I am jamming to Xanadu by Olivia Newton John right now and I am loving every minute of it. true story.

what is not love: a valentine special

I'm not going to lie to you, valentines. This is how I started out this day:Bitter, party of one, your table is ready!

Yes that's right - I'll admit right here on the world wide web that as I was on the elliptical at the YMCA this morning, I skipped every song with the word love in it as it came up on my cute little red IPod Nano which was set on shuffle. Only when I got caught up watching "Chocolate Masterpieces" on the food network did I lose my song-skipping gusto and I missed one! So I ended up listening to "What is not love" by Derek Webb. As I marveled at the guy who was sculpting Michaelangelo's David out of a big hunk of white chocolate, my attention was snapped back to what I was listening to, and I heard something I really needed to.

The lyrics go something like this: "but I give myself to what looks like love/I sell myself for what feels like love/and I pay to get what is not love/and all just because I see things upside down."

All I could hear was this small voice telling me that I was seeing things upside down. I'm not quite comfortable saying that God tells me things, but if I was, I would say that it was my gracious Father reminding me of all the ways that my vision is blurred. So I started thinking about what it might mean to spend some time seeing things right side up. And that's what I'm going to focus on. Sure, valentine's day isn't my favorite holiday, but I can't so much complain about a day that reiterates how well I am loved by the people in my life, can I? I can't help but think of God's love for us, too, and how it must pain him to watch us give ourselves to things that are not love, and how it must please him when we begin to see things through God's eyes and not our own.

When I see things right side up, I enjoy my wonderful (and really funny) friends, I smell my pretty flowers (and appreciate the joy of the overly cheerful deliverer of said flowers), I get to help people dress for their dates tonight (or just get over the fact that they don't have a date my spending exorbitant amounts of money) (can you tell I have to work this afternoon? :)). I love the people who are important to me (I am lucky because there are so many!) and I can receive love from thosewho love me. Not to mention, I am a much nicer person to be around.

You heard it here first... Bitter Betty has left the building! happy love day!

sunday is a fun day

First let me ask you this. Is there such a thing as being too self-aware?
The answer is yes. yes there certainly is.
I'm sure its a gift somehow, and potentially I will learn how to regulate it soon, but when I can't even make my head stop spinning long enough to decide what to write in my silly blog, I think that there is definitely such a thing as being too introspective and too self-aware. Yes. Final answer.
Also FYI - I remixed the 25 things about me... its way funnier now. For those of you who read this from your email... click on THIS to get to the actual blog.

That preface aside (shout out to Lori - co-queen of the preface), hello! It is Sunday, and I do love Sundays. In the way of an update, I am currently working hard to acclimate to something of a grown-up schedule, with stuff going on all day long starting at (GASP) 8 am. What is that? I'm ok with the 8's, really, its the 7's I have a problem with. Having to be anywhere that causes me to have to wake up/leave the house in the 7's (or dare I say it - the 6's) - well I think that's just silly. So I'm busy all the time, which is actually kind of a nice change. Between being at school or reading for school, interning and counseling kids at Denver Christian, and trying on clothes I don't need at JCrew because no one actually shops anymore so thats what I do instead of sell - I am a busy woman. Not to mention I've been nannying fairly consisently the past few weeks. By Friday, I just need a nap. And maybe a hug.

Really, there is not much else to report. Today has been a pretty good day. I have to admit that it's been awhile since I felt really jazzy and joyful, and today in a kind of muted and commonplace way, I do. God reminded me today (perhaps even really began to teach me) that He is good, loving, and worthy of praise. I don't mean to sound trite, but even though life hasn't been quite what I'd like it to be lately, even in the times when I feel the most like crap, God is still God. God is good even when I feel like I can't quite see it. Today I'm finding rest in that. And being thankful for the people who are in my life who teach me these things whether they know it or not. I think this is a good start.

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior." - Habakkuk 3:17-18

wasting perfectly good mondays - remix

I remixed the 25 random things list for Facebook and I think this list is funnier... so I'm re-posting. because I can.

1. I scored a 30/30 on the extroversion scale on the MBTI

2. I think my 4-yr-old nephew Timmy is the funniest person I know

3. when I was about 8, at least once a day I would flip my hair to one side and hairspray it (like DJ Tanner), then smash my nose with my finger (like some girl at school), look in the mirror, and wish that God would make me look just like that. please don't ask me why.

4. my biggest fears are Roombas, people who sleepwalk, turning into a debbie downer, Drop Dead Fred, heights (recovering), and walking into the Men's room on accident.

5. when I was little, there was a time when I was under the impression that male private parts were detachable.

6. I'm super impatient and appreciate immediate gratification

7. someday I'm going to get a tat and it's going to be awesome.

8. I miss being in choirs and having an excuse to sing on a daily basis. as a result, I hope to one day (sooner than later) belong to some kind of adult show choir

9. I think snot is the absolute 100% grossest thing on the entire planet

10. I wholeheartedly prefer real, printed pictures to digital ones

11. I am really good with names and faces. so much so that sometimes I pretend not to know people because I'm afraid it will make them feel bad for not remembering the one time we met 12 years ago. or they'll just think I'm creepy.

12. I have something ridiculous like 40 first cousins.

13. I have a blog. which I think makes me a blogger.

14. sometimes (more often than I'd like) I snort when I laugh.

15. I only recently retired/stopped sleeping with "roadkill rabbit," which was a stuffed bunny who slept under my head from age 5 to about... 22. and I mostly did it just because people kept making fun of me... not because I got mature or anything.

16. I paint my nails at least two times a week. I find it therapeutic. also I really can't stand chipped nail polish.

17. in middle school I collected X-Men cards because my best friend was a boy and convinced me that was something I should invest in. also, I collected pogs. also, I am a sucker.

18. I love TV shows from the 90's... my so called life, dawson's creek, party of 5...

19. I think heaven will be full of breakfast tacos from Panchitos. or Taco Taco. either way.

20. I am writing this note in tandem with Beckie Johns at the Panera in Aspen Grove instead of studying.

21. I don't like Oprah. not even a little bit.

22. I'm a little bit good at doing voices. however, I reserve the right not to perform if you ask me to... so... I'm just warning you

23. car washes make me really nervous. here's why: the other day I accidentally went through twice because I got stuck in the loop and couldn't get out any other way than to go through it again. true story.

24. I air-write a lot. so, if I'm holding a pen I will write in the air whatever is being said or what I am thinking. if I don't have a pen, I'll write on my thumb with my forefinger. people have started noticing... and I'm trying hard to stop. because its a little bit weird.

25. I love Jesus... but I drink a little. does that count as two?

on character flaws

I was just struck by one in particular, for me, anyway. I can be really oblivious. This, ladies and gentlemen, nearly drove Mme. Tracy INSANE while I lived with her. I honestly don't think it's laziness (you'll understand when I explain) although Trace might argue otherwise. I think it is pure, unadulterated (just go with it) obliviousness. Lord knows I am the farthest thing from type A anyone ever saw, and maybe this is part of that.
Here's what made me think of it.

There is a shampoo bottle on the floor of our bathroom. It is empty. The other day, in the shower, I used the last drop - and I tried to aim it out of the shower into the trash. I missed. Since then, it has been lying helplessly on the floor of the bathroom. Here is why I say I am not lazy - I haven't noticed it. I remember the moment when I tossed and missed, but since then, it hasn't fazed me. Until today when I saw it and I thought, "I should throw that away." This happens to me a lot. Things like shampoo bottles lying amok around my house. Stuff like that just doesn't bother me.

On a completely unrelated note, I spent today babysitting for a cutie 1-yr old named Eliza. I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing that is better than the moment when you go into a babes bedroom after their nap and they are standing there, holding themselves up on the crib, BEAMING at whoever it is who has come to take them back into the bright world filled with toys and bottles. At the risk of sounding like a complete sap, that is one of my really favorite things.

Lastly - I would encourage those of you who feel so inclined to check out this blog: Stuff Christians Like. Really funny and often, really poignant. [Sidebar: I always feel awkward using the word poignant. But it feels right. So I'm leaving it.] This post from today really REALLY hit home for me.

with that, I am taking my beautiful flowers that I just got (more on this later) and watching Lost and then hitting the hay... first day at Denver Christian tomorrow as a school counselor INTERN! I'm such a big deal.

As I sit here, I realize I haven't actually thrown that bottle away yet. Too busy planning this blog post. Don't worry, Mom, I'm going now...

help a sista out

Ok, so, Thursday (a week from yesterday) marks Kansas' 148th birthday... and the second annual Kansas Day Party hosted by the girls of 1403 University. It's funny to remember last year... I had just moved in and hardly knew anyone. I imagine this year will be more fun. Ha!
Anyhoo... I need a costume!! Last year some of the costumes included: Crazy Mike, largest ball of twine, and a sunflower.
I need some suggestions! My only thought so far has been Kirstie Alley. And I'm not even sure how I would pull that off.

Ok so... creative juices flowing... aaaaaand, go.