the problem of pain

It has been an interesting week in my world. Some not-so-thrilling news from doctors after Audrie's round one of chemo, to make a long story very short, has thrown a kink in the idea that this cancer BS would all be gone after chemo and called for plans B, C, and whatever else to fall into the lineup. She and Tim are heading to the Mayo Clinic on Thursday for second opinions and more information, hopefully, and I am working to solicit prayer from any heart willing to offer it. I will say this - my sister is one tough cookie. She will put up a fight.
I have to be a little honest - I'm not ever quite sure what to make of God in situations like this one. Strangely enough, I visited a church tonight for the first time with a good friend and the sermon was all about the problem of Evil in the world. Hmm. While it didn't satisfy in any way the difficulties that face us, I think sometimes it is comforting to know that God just might be bigger than my understanding. That asking, "why," and learning the answer would not make it okay. If we knew why, would we say, "oh, okay then. I was just wondering." no! Perhaps we are not asking the right questions. Perhaps we are asking practically nonsensical questions - that make as much sense as "is yellow round or square?"
I was talking to my friend today about some of her struggles, and she was talking about how frustrating it is to struggle, to be in such pain and true misery! She said that whenever we was frustrated with God allowing her to still be struggling, she had to think that there was just something amazing that God was going to do in her or teach her through it. There must, she holds, if we are going through all this pain, be something good to come of it. C.S. Lewis said this: "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." And haven't I seen that to be true, at times, in my own life? While it doesn't even begin to solve "the Problem of Pain," it's something. For now, I suppose I'll just continue to pray... even if for the time being my prayers are filled with confusion and anger.
So, pray for the doctors' discernment and wisdom; for good news; for healing for my beautiful sister Audrie!

nostalgia & back to school

I was perusing my favorite website just now, www.mp3fiesta.com, for new and exciting music. I just downloaded Amos Lee and some new Coldplay... as well as The Swell Season... should be a good time. ANYWAY. I randomly was thinking that I might like to have this really old Shawn Colvin song that I used to L-O-V-E, and in searching for it I stumbled upon "Top Billboard 100" from like, every year since 1948 or something. But looking at the top 100 songs from, say, 1997 (where I found "Sunny Came Home" - thank you Shawn C) I have just been loving looking back at all these songs that I LOVED when I was like, 13. So glorious. I mean, no one can beat "Never Ever" by All Saints; "Its All Coming Back to Me Now" by Celine Dion; Monica, Brandy, Next... oh my. I just downloaded "All My Life" by KCi and JoJo as well as a Hanson song. I had both singles in 6th grade. I am enjoying myself so much right now its unreal. I think music was better in the 90's. Deeper. More moving. How can you beat these lyrics:

"I look at you looking at me

Now I know why they say the best things are free

Gonna love you boy you are so fine

Angel of mine"

In the immortal words of Kristin Anne Foster, "this is what love is." 

Thank you, 1997.

In other, less inane news, school starts tomorrow! Now, call me a dork, but I love the first day of school. I do. I know, I'm a grown up, in grad school... my pencils are sharpened, syllabi printed, Trapper Keeper ready... Seriously, I LOVE the first day of school! I'm awkwardly excited to go to class tomorrow, to see the new kids and to start a new semester. Also my friends who were gone all summer are back... lots of fabulous new people are starting (already met some... real winners!) and its all just very fun and exciting. I can hardly contain myself. 

Oh, and if you're curious, I'll be taking: Theology 2, Family Systems Counseling, Social and Cultural Foundations of Counseling, and Research and Evaluation in Counseling. FUN FUN FUN!

Better get a good nights sleep for my big day tomorrow! Wish me luck! Oh and if you have time, enjoy some 90's music today. It's just the best.

It's time to live, my friend

Jonah Werner is incredible. I stole some more of his muzac from Thom this weekend and I am just being moved repeatedly by the lyrics of this guy. He was my camp singer when I was on work crew and saw him again when visiting Thom at CCR. I have always been a sucker for a good song lyric... but this is uniquely sticking out for me today. Check it:

"And as prisoners, we wallow in the black of our bars; and in the clink of our chains we waste. And we cry out for mercy and we plead for a passage, incessantly pacing the cage. But this hole is too dark, and this chiasm’s too deep and we’ve no way out, so we cave... to the hemorrhaging stench of the life that we’ve spent, in the end for a feast in the grave. And we toast to addiction, and we drink to the thrill, and we talk about leaving (but we know we never will.) Have you heard the door open? Man, I’ve seen people leave. I’ve even heard voices calling, crying out for me. But it don’t matter, cause too far gone are the spoils of my shame, I say, so a voice is a voice just the same… most days. But not on this day. Because on this day there was a change: and it thundered and plundered the stones and it steals out the dust, embracing the rust, as I cling to the mud and the bones. And all of one brilliant siege all I once thought, believed, became dead and it immersed alive: and the bars were no more and the walls fell to the floor and the light marched down the inside. I don’t know about freedom or hope and I’m scared like the soul of a destitute slave who’s been set free but stands still right where he is. He says, “Can I just leave? Can I just walk away?” I say, “Run away, man.” I say, “Run away, man – from your feast in the grave.”

Its time to live, my friend. Its time to live."

How incredibly true does this ring for you? I think so often I am SO STUCK in my sin and in the bondage it creates for me, that I can't see my freedom (in Christ) staring me in the face. And I so often feel just exactly like the slave - I know I'm free but I just don't know what to do. Rather, I know I CAN be free, but I think, "too far gone are the spoils of my shame." In those moments I forget about Jesus - I forget about the stones that have been thundered and plundered, I forget that God embraces the rust... even mine. To hear the words, after listening to this crazily intense portion of song, "It's time to live, my friend," just brought tears to my eyes. Sometimes I am baffled by how long it takes me (dare I say us?) to get this stuff. I've been a "Christian" for... well, a long time - and I still have a hard time internalizing God's call to just live. To run away from my sin and from the things that hold me, captive, and live. 

"Can I just leave? Can I just walk away?"

"Run away, man. Run away."

a saucy little bob

This picture homage to my hair goes out to kelly "misdemeanor" marhaver and alix "are we wearing the same underwear?" floyd. 

Love you both. 

And yes. some of these pictures were taken in the Denver Seminary Library. I am sooooo studious. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRAM!

It was, recently, my Gram's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRAM!!! I am so so so so blessed to have such a wonderful grandma... and to get to see her this weekend to celebrate her birthday season! (I recently bought a greeting card that says, "I like to think of it as a birthday season; of which I just caught the tail end." But I can't decide who to give it to, because I am late for most birthdays. Such a dilemma.) But, I digress. Gram, here's to you! Thanks for being so lovely!

And so handy:

Haha - I love you Gram!!

all that I know is I'm breathing

Once again, faithful blog readers, I am here to regale you with the tales of my lovely little life. In the past few days, I have started to blog several times... but to no avail. I think I have been in a funk. A week-ish long funk. My lovely core group used to laugh because someone, every week, would state during check-in that they were in a funk. We passed the funk around for 3 delightful years. Ha. Needless to say, I have become perturbed with said funk, and decided to kiss funk goodbye. Goodbye, stupid funk.Exacerbating my current state has been the disaster of yesterday: the most horrific of all things... a bad haircut. Now, I know, its only hair. HOWEVER. I went in for a TRIM, yes, a trim, and ended up looking like Carol Brady: In the process of fixing the Mrs. Brady debacle (I'm not kidding... it was bad news, and I literally said the words, "um, I kind of look a bit like Mrs. Brady. Can we fix that?"), I have quite the short little bob going on. Now, I have been repeatedly assured that it does not, in fact, look as bad as I firmly believe it does. I KNOW its not that bad - but I didn't ask for or want short hair!  So, there is little anyone can do to console me. Dramatic? Yes. But hair is a big deal. Don't try and convince me it's not. My short short hair will eventually grow. In the meantime, I wouldn't comment on my haircut if I were you. 

On a less horrific note, the summer semester is finally wrapping up and it's almost time for the next one! Normally, I would be sad to be going back to school... but I am actually quite excited. Looking forward to: new classes, less classes than my last insane semester, the valiant return of my friends who went away for the summer (cough, BECKIE, cough), new people (some I know, some I don't), etc. etc. Not to mention this heinous semester of self-awareness and discovery is coming to an END! I am legitimately exhausted from learning so stinkin much about myself. I get it - I'm crazy. Old news. Let's move on. 

Ahh, yes. My house. Looks SO fabulous. Sarah (my roommate) and I spent about 7 hours on Saturday cleaning, organizing, overhauling, and decorating! It was glorious. Last weekend, overall, was pretty fun times... went to Rob Drabkin's show at Falcon Bowl (weirdest venue ever) with Sarah, after an Olympics party complete with chinese food to make us feel as though we were in Beijing... spent Saturday re-vamping the house. Saturday night Sarah and I discovered our new favorite mediterranean restaurant in Denver, Ya Hala (ya hollaaaaaa) and then capped off the night with lots of Wichita people at Downtown Tavern. THEN, on Sunday, Thomas came through Denver and we had a 100% lovely day. And there you have it. 

I have this kind of obsession with downloading everything free that ITunes has to offer. There is a section that is updated weekly on the ITunes store that is "free on ITunes" and I just feel the need to at least try all of it. I end up deleting 98% of everything I download, but it is kind of fun. Anyway, point being, I just listened to a free excerpt from the book "Skinny B*tch"... and it was, well, interesting. I've been kind of weirdly curious what the deal is with this book, and now I know. Its a fairly crude approach to kicking women's butts into being healthy. Anyway, it was a little funny, and while I would never listen to or read more than the 17 minute free download offered, it did convince me that I REALLY need to stop drinking coffee. Dangit. New project: stop drinking (so much) coffee. It really is unnecessary. They also, in the free excerpt, referred to all pop as "liquid Satan." Interesting. Not quite ready to give up Diet Coke. Baby steps, I think.

Lastly in today's news, I am heading to the lake this weekend. Joining me will be my completely crazy family. (No offense family. I already admitted I was, too.) I'm super excited. They might be crazy, but they're mine.

Ok well, enough about me. What do you think of me?

my, my - how can I resist you?

just a couple of thoughts...
1. how is it possible that it is already AUGUST?
2. It was recently brought to my attention that given the fact that I have my blog link on facebook, other people besides the 4ish people I expect to look at it, occasionally view it. now, this does not mean (much to my dismay) that I have some kind of cult following - no no, but I still feel a little... I don't know... added pressure to appear normal and a little bit cool. just kind of funny.
3. I saw Mamma Mia tonight. And I have to be honest... I loved every last second of it. There is a part of me that would like to deny that musicals are, well, wonderful, but I can't. Because walking out of that theater I was just so happy and filled to the brim with glee. (Chels was too, apparently ABBA has that effect on people.) But in all seriousness, I love musicals. I just can't help myself.

Also, I have had "Moonboots" by Jonah Werner stuck in my head for a good week or so. If you were wondering. However, I am pretty sure that the 2ish straight hours of ABBA took care of that problem once and for all...

"so when you're near me, darling, can't you hear me S.O.S.???"