"Oh great. I bet they're sexting from our phones!"

That is what Cristy said to me on Friday night when our purses were burgled.
Well, OK, on Friday night when I was dancing my little heart out and someone stole my bag from a bar. But seriously. Same diff right? We have still been done a horrific injustice, have we not?!

The whole thing is WILDLY irritating. Of course, I've been playing the "if only" game: "If only the stupid Tavern hadn't played Lady Gaga and kept me riveted on the dance floor for so long so I had gone to check my purse before last call" At fault: The Tav. "If only I had not worn my cute new boots which convinced me I should probs go dancing in them" At fault: Boots. "If only I had not packed every single thing I own that night and just taken the basics" At fault: irrational purse hoarding. "If only purse thief had decided to go to Cowboy Lounge that night!" At fault: sucky purse thief. See? So many things at fault that are not me.

I just did not realize the degree to which I am dependent on the things in that bag. And why on this particular evening I decided to pack a small travel suitcase to take to the bars is beyond me, but as a result, I have no stuff. Like, I go to grab my purse and every time I have this thought of "what will even go in it?" I'm like an 8 year old who has a purse and REALLY wants to carry it so she looks like a grown up but doesn't have anything to put in it really. So like the aforementioned 8 year old, I have to put random stuff in there to make it look legit to passersby. But if you looked closely, you'd see it was full of Barbies, a Unicorn figurine, an array of Scratch'n'Sniff stickers, assorted accessories from the Pretty Pretty Princess game, and a Hello Kitty wallet with my mom's old grocery store discount cards in it and the photo ID that my aunt made me out of cardboard (that, FYI, was a thing I actually had). Also maybe some fruit snacks. Who can say really.

I am realizing reluctantly that it is possible, although SUPER annoying and stupid, to replace stuff. I've been without a phone for a few days. (People keep asking me, "well, isn't it kind of nice? Sort of liberating?" Ummm, sure. Yeah. The bright side, you found it! Congratulations! Taking a break from your phone is one thing. I'm for it. BUT THIS IS NOT THAT. But really, your optimism is inspiring.) I have no camera. WHAT IF SOMETHING MOMENTOUS HAPPENS? I won't be able to capture it, that's what. I have no student ID to use for discounts at the movies anymore, which I couldn't go to anyway, since I have nothing to pay with. I wake up in the night and weep silently over the loss of my favorite J.Crew bag and Hobo wallet, and how they will probably spend the remainder of their days in a dumpster somewhere. I had to replace the 5ish Chapsticks that live in my purse, but really, that's no big deal because I have 17 more in my bedroom somewhere. I did have to stand in front of the Maybelline display in Target for a ridiculous amount of time in an attempt to remember the shade of lip gloss I loved so much, though.

But you know what? All of that I can deal with... but my FAVORITE pen was in there. I loved that pen. Enough to carry it with me everywhere. And now some thieving loser gets to enjoy MY Wild Rose Casino pen, and I hate him or her. You think I can just drive to Iowa again and replace it? Well, I can't. And also won't. There is just only so much one person can handle, and that crosses the line. Now it's personal.

The moral of the story here, kids, is that I never want all of my important items to be together in the same place ever again. Especially not a cute leather place with an accessible shoulder strap so that someone can conveniently carry it all away from me with ease and style.

If you need me, I'll just be here trying to rebuild my identity and fill a purse with legitimate grown up items.