story of my life

So, for school, we have to do this thing called a learning contract... which basically is a form of character/spiritual formation... and involves making a goal for yourself (something along the lines of "I want to become the kind of person who [blank]." within that, there are head things (reading books, studying scripture) that you put in the contract, and also actual practices that you are going to do to establish this character trait or whatever. long story short, after explaining my LC to my mentor, Deb, who is wonderful, she suggested I read this book (for the head part) called Victory over the Darkness by Neil Anderson. I am not even close to done, and I think every person in the world should have to read this book. It is wonderful! it is all about discovering/rediscovering/understanding who you are IN CHRIST - the truth about who you are, as opposed to the lies that society, the world, and the Father of Lies himself tells us. the book has lots of different scripturally based lists (such as "who i am" and "since I am in Christ...") which readers are encouraged to read out loud and internalize as truth. I am struck, as I read the book, about the obscene number of lies that I myself have internalized over my many years on this earth... it is appalling. The first time I read through this list (out loud, for effect) I couldn't help but cry because its all true. We are loved, so we follow God. We don't follow God so He will love us... He already does. We don't strive to serve God for fear he won't accept us... we are accepted, so we strive to serve God. We get things so backwards. I have to give my life story today for my spiritual formation group, and I am really dreading it. I have lived a great portion of my life thinking that my life was some kind of disgrace... I struggle, therefore I am worthless. I mean, I'm a Christian - shouldn't I be getting this right by now?? I strive for love and acceptance from God and from others alike... but I don't live in a way that accepts the truth about who I am in Christ. Let me tell you... I can be really mean and hateful, too. But I am not a failure. I am not worthless. My life is not a disgrace. So I'm going to go to that group today, and I am going to tell my life story. My broken and imperfect and still a work in progress life story. I can do this, without fear of rejection, because of who I am in Christ. There is not a glorified someday self that I am living for... I am who I am right now! My imperfect self is okay! I bought a card recently and framed it... it says, "One of the hardest things to realize is that our Someday... is right now." It is a reminder to me every day that I don't have to be living in hopes that soon in the future I'll get it all right. I'll have this and this and this, be this way, and that way, and everything will be grand. If I think about it, nothing can improve the state I am in at this exact moment... a dearly loved child of God. Nothing I do, good or bad, can jeopardize THAT glorious truth.

"I am the salt of the earth; I am the light of the world; I am a child of God; I am part of the true vine, a channel of Christ's life; I am Christ's friend; I am chosen and appointed by Christ to bear his fruit; I am a slave of righteousness; I am enslaved to God; I am a daughter of God - God is spiritually my Father; I am a joint heir with Christ, sharing his inheritance with him; I am a temple - a dwelling place - of God. His spirit and his life dwell in me; I am united to the Lord and am one spirit with him; I am a member of Christ's body; I am a new creation; I am reconciled to God and am a minister of reconciliation; I am a daughter of God and one in Christ; I am an heir of God since I am a daughter of God; I am a saint; I am God's workmanship - his handiwork - born anew in Christ to do his work; I am a fellow citizen with the rest of God's family; I am a prisoner of Christ; I am righteous and holy; I am a citizen of heaven, seated in heaven right now; I am hidden with Christ in God; I am an expression of the life of Christ because he is my life; I am chosen of God, holy and dearly loved; I am a daughter of light and not of darkness; I am a holy partaker of a heavenly calling; I am a partaker of Christ, I share in his life; I am one of God's living stones, being built up in Christ as a spiritual house; I am a member of a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God's own possession; I am an alien and a stranger to this world in which I temporarily live; I am an enemy of the devil; I am a child of God and I will resemble Christ when he returns; I am born of God, and the evil one - the devil - cannot touch me; I am NOT the great "I AM," but by the grace of God, I am what I am."

By the grace of God, I am what I am.

yep, twice in one day. its my blog. I can do that.

sorry sorry, I have a couple of more things to share with the world.

1. I am getting really good at doing my own nails. now, I'm not one to brag, but I'm just like, really proud of this! really! Chelsea and I have been discussing the possibility of a counseling practice in the future - therapy and spa! I'm going to do nails and counsel at the time time, Chelsea's going to do hair... I think its going to be a booming success. seriously. mental health combined with beauty products... its like a dream come true.

2. this is great. so last night, Chelsea and I are in the car on the way out to Parker, CO where Allison was housesitting, and we were talking about where all the boys are. ha. it was a pretty funny conversation... we decided we would really like for all of the good, cute, fun and cool Christian boys to congregate in one place and then just come to us. that would be the ideal. so, we head to the house to have a fun, low key girls night, and when we get there, Allison is on the phone with her guy friend from Budapest who happens to now live in Colorado Springs. He's on his way back from a Rockies game and will be passing through Parker and wonders if he and his buddies can stop by. We say sure, clearly... and I kid you not, this guy shows up with TWELVE (yes, twelve, as in 3 guys/1 girl ratio) guys, all of whom are spending the summer at this discipleship/work deal. all of whom are pretty good looking, Christians, mostly available. Chelsea decided that God was thinking this was a pretty funny joke... after our earlier conversation, 12 guys showing up literally at our doorstep??? what are the odds??? it was completely awkward, awesome, and hilarious. after we stopped laughing behind their backs at the hilarity of the whole situation, we had a pretty fun evening playing Wii and trying to learn all their names, etc. 12. I don't think you really realize how much 12 is until they walk in the front door one by one. ridiculous.

life is so funny sometimes.

3. oh yeah. I now am an official member of the workforce... I am the newest (I mean, I think) sales associate at JCrew in Park Meadows Mall. it's true. retail is less than thrilling, I'll be honest - but the discount is to die for. so there's that.

until next time, download: viva la vida (new Coldplay... pretty good); nothing but the best - frank sinatra; young folks - peter, bjorn, and john; and lastly, answer - sarah mclaughlan. love them. oh, and watch: http://www.hulu.com/watch/19279/saturday-night-live-kaitlin-at-the-mall if you want to die laughing.

peace up...

there will be tables and chairs, there'll be pony rides and dancing bears, there'll even be a band...

it is true my dears - I am DONE done DONE with my first whole year of graduate school! that wasn't so bad... this coming weds I, Megan Greaves, will be officially available to see clients. clients = people who are seeking counseling. and will be assigned to me. as their counselor. for counseling. for help. AHH. who thinks this is a good idea?
-----
ha - so, I wrote that several/many weeks ago, back when I was merely a student. now, ladies and gents, I am a real-live therapist! I have clients! who see me for 50 minutes of therapy every week. how wonderful and terrifying is that? I am loving it - it's pretty exciting that this is what I'm going to be doing, you know, with my life! so, let me give you a little "greatest hits" of all the things I have been doing with my ever-so-glamorous life since summer started!
our first summer outing was rollerskating at skate city in Littleton, CO. Let me tell you a little bit about Skate City. On Saturday nights, it is Christian fellowship night... which involves a lot of awkward teenagers, Christian rap (so so glorious) and slow-skating to "I Can Only Imagine." Needless to say, as a group of 20-30 something seminary grad students, we found this whole scenario incredibly entertaining.
Below, you will see the lovely inhabitants of 1403 S University Blvd! also known as - my roomies. Becca, Julie, and Sarah! for Julie's birthday, after a wonderful bbq in Wash Park, we went to The Ogden for some karaoke... needless to say, a fun time was had by all!
Then, I had my last day with Mr. Bodie. So sad!!! I miss having baby time all the time... life is a little happier when there are babies involved, I think.
A big highlight... my beautiful friend Emily Lebens became Mrs. Cameron Young in Omaha, NE! The wedding was b-e-a-utiful and so much fun... open bar, live band, best friends; what more could a girl ask for? I also learned that the drive from Denver to Omaha is about as much fun as the drive from Denver to Wichita, only with a few more interesting smells. Lovely. And here are the lovely cores... Katherine, Jamie, Cally, Emily, Lori, and me. I love these women... see you all in Key Largo!
Hmm... what else... Allison and I threw a KILLER bbq in Wash Park on Father's Day... we had a fabulous turnout, I built a grill, we started a fire, we had good food, we played sports. it was glorious.
Lastly, in terms of highlights, this weekend we went to dave and busters for my friend Christopher's (left, in the hat) birthday, which was a wild time... lots of fun and games and such. a fun time was had by all. as you can see, chelsea and I took to a game where you get to drive a semi. chelsea drove, and I rode shotgun (and honked the horn)... and our friend Andrew took pictures. so fun.
so that is a picture montage of my summer thus far. sorry its been so long since my last post! I know its unforgivable... but please bear with me... I have a crazy life!! Also, I tried to do cool things with this post and have the pictures be all wonky and stuff... and I'm pretty sure I failed. But the thought of re-uploading makes me want to die. so I'm not going to. deal with it.

and so, on this not-so-sunny sunday, I am going to go finish watching Pretty in Pink (gotta love Molly Ringwald) and enjoy the remainder of my day! much love.

you might be the sweet unspiteful

so, I have been just BEYOND MIA lately. SO SO SORRY! it has been a whirlwind of baby-sitting, studying. paper writing, traveling, cleaning, housesitting, playing, sleeping, orchestrating, and so on and so forth. seriously. I am currently in the midst of the worst exam week I may have ever experienced - after traveling this past weekend for the blessed nuptials of my dear and lovely friends Cally and Adrian Chenault, I came back to FIVE FINALS - 2 yesterday, 3 tomorrow. Misery. having taken Old Testament and Groups yesterday, I've been working since then to prepare for Diagnosis, Careers, and NEW Testament tomorrow. after which I am going to sleep forever, clean my room, car, and life, do my laundry, play with my friends, and rejoin the race of functioning human beings. I anticipate it being completely glorious. But for now, I will continue to run almost entirely on caffeine. Yesterday I had a quadruple shot latte for breakfast, followed by three more (free!) cups of coffee for lunch. During my second final I was so jittery I wasn't sure if I could sit still for the whole 100 questions. Probably a poor decision - and one I likely will NOT repeat in the future. The 4-shot latte was not entirely my fault though, the barista at starbucks accidentally made it stronger than I asked, but I didn't complain. It was all very Taylor the Latte Boy (for those of you who know the reference) - only the guy was married and it was 4 shots instead of 3 and it was on accident instead of because "he loved me too." If you will.
as you may have surmised, smart readers that you are, I now must continue to study, as the finals I have tomorrow will not be easy and in order to not fall asleep during them I am going to have to at least allot SOME time for things like sleeping.

I will follow this email with a more thorough and complete update in a couple of days... I know you're all dying to know how the wedding was, how housesitting was, what I'm wearing today, if my hair is curly or straight, things of that nature.

in case you are wondering, my finals playlist includes: sara bareilles, john legend, and andrew bird. all of which are lovely and completely different. SB = pretty girly and not that cool, JL = as justin so eloquently put it "sounds like baby-making music" and AB = is pretty weird and delightful and a little bit cool.

group of besties from the power seven:

group of core group besties:

the bestie from both of the above!

you might be the girlie who shall end all girls

old hair...


NEW HAIR!!!!!!!!!!



My friend Chelsea says this is the best decision I ever made second only to giving my life to Christ. At least we have our priorities straight...

you might be the strange delightful

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:3-9

possibly an overlooked book of the NT(by me anyway), and the one I just finished reading for my class tonight... I just think its wonderful how eloquent the Bible is... what beautiful wording, the "inexpressible and glorious joy" that comes from believing in and loving God!

(yes,april;my darling)its spring!

when faces called flowers float out of the ground
and breathing is wishing and wishing is having-
but keeping is downward and doubting and never
-it's april (yes,april;my darling)it's spring!
yes the pretty birds frolic as spry as can fly
yes the little fish gambol as glad as can be
yes the little fish gambol as glad as can be
(yes the mountains are dancing together)
when every leaf opens without any sound
and wishing is having and having is giving-
but keeping is doting and nothing and nonsense
-alive;we're alive,dear:it's(kiss me now)spring!
now the pretty birds hover so she and so he
now the little fish quiver so you and so i
(now the mountains are dancing, the mountains)
when more than was lost has been found has been found
and having is giving and giving is living-
but keeping is darkness and winter and cringing
-it's spring(all our night becomes day)o,it's spring!
all the pretty birds dive to the heart of the sky
all the little fish climb through the mind of the sea
(all the mountains are dancing;are dancing)

ee cummings

oh wait. too bad its snowing. soon enough...

you're the whole world and you barely know, so

kelly has requested a blog post - "a long one" - lets see what I can do.

so, my loves, I have recently finished both my take-home midterm for diagnosis AND my 18 page Inductive Bible Study! HOORAY! turning that puppy in last night was one of the more gratifying moments of my life.
interestingly, I'm big into pet names recently. nothing like "hun" or "girl" or "sweetie" or anything traditional (and lame). but weird ones. I think its because I'm with a baby 2 days a week and been talking to Timmy and Shelbs a lot... sweet pea is my favorite, followed by pumpkin, (with variations such as pumpkin pie, pumpkin head).
not normal. not at all. is this what its like to have kids?

I'm lacking anything very exciting to say at all. I mean, I've been in the library or at cafe europa, my study place of choice, pretty much every day since I got back from spring break. so. not all that much to report.

Oh here's something. Sunday at church was just one of those amazing Sundays at church. It was baptism Sunday, I worked in the nursery, and the sermon was PHENOM. Michael Hidalgo is just amazing... every week he expands my understanding and teaches me something new. Allison (who goes to church with me) have discussed how we are a little sermon-snobby nowadays that we are in seminary in such intense Bible classes, and Michael is pretty brilliant.
So anyway, he was talking about heaven on earth, and how often we miss it. He told this story about the parting of the red sea and the people walking across to freedom. There were two of them, walking to freedom, who never looked up. They walked through the parted sea, never realizing the miracle around them, complaining about the mud. They complained the whole way across about their having to trudge through the mud, wondering after why everyone seemed to celebratory, cynically commenting that freedom was not a whole lot different from slavery. The question is: how many times in our lives are we too busy looking at the mud to notice God in our midst? (there was also a lot of scripture in there too... don't worry). Needless to say, he went on to talk about all the distractors in our lives (namely cell phones, etc.) and asked this question... if you were the devil, what would you want to distract us from? Heaven in our midst. Getting us to look at the negative is the easiest way to avert our eyes from the truly good and miraculous. He challenged us to be the kind of people who, instead of always just talking about Jesus, "maybe just become the kind of people who point out Jesus wherever he exists." How amazing that I drive straight into the mountains every morning? I don't often enough recognize the miracle of God in my midst... something to think about, for sure.
And then I cried like a baby all the way through the baptisms. They were adult baptisms, done by full dunking, which I had never seen before... very cool.
A little girl named Susanna in Sunday school said to us, "You know that big tub of water downstairs? Someone told me they were going to dump people in it. Is that true?"
Teachers: "yeah, it is! Thats called baptism."
Susanna: "whats a baptitism?" (note the two t's)
us: "thats when you stand up in front of the whole church and tell them you have Jesus in your heart."
Susanna accepts this, but comes back about 5 minutes later...
"But what are they REALLY going to do with that water???!"
What a lovely Sunday.

today it rained a little, and now it is absolutely the most beautiful sunny evening time of the whole year. not all that warm - just lovely, you know? I kept thinking of that line in my FAAAAVE poem, "I am not sorry when sun and rain make April." beautiful. happy April!

lastly, I'd like to remind you that my birthday is next Friday, April 11. and I LOVE my birthday. more proof that I am my mother's daughter.

and also I'm watching You've Got Mail right now. I love that movie. but be honest. does ANYONE talk out loud while they send emails? I mean really.
THATS ALL.
big hearts.

ps - I'm thinking about cutting my hair to about shoulder length. and making it blonder for spring. thoughts?

if it gets any sweeter than this, I don't want to know

midterms are, well, over. sort of. I have a take-home midterm to do over break as well as a pretty substantial paper due the week after... but still. the week of going to class and taking impossible tests is completed. AND - I got my new testament midterm back and I got an A! which is baffling! I was sitting there before he handed them out thinking, "if I got a C, it will be fine. Even a D. I'll deal." and then I got an A! fabulous. really set me off to a good springy start. I am SO excited about going home and seeing my fam and the babes and stuff... can't wait to get there tomorrow!

these pictures are kind of funny. Chelsea and I, having a photo shoot with our ice cream cones... Allison (photographer) says "Lick it!" - both Chelsea and I think she says, "Look at it!" and this is what we get. Laughed so hard after the fact that I had to run to the bathroom in order not to pee my pants.




so with that, I leave you. be thinking of me tomorrow as I make the wretched trek across eastern colorado, western kansas... misery.

OH but also, look how cool I am, I filled out an NCAA bracket! big deal huh? I know nothing about any of the teams. so basically, its a shot in the dark. but I picked KU to win it, which I think was a good decision.

new song to listen to: Katie Herzig - Fools Gold

shalom out!

I should be studying?

wanted to update you. I found my necklace. all is not lost.

also DL "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. something about it is just FAB.

love from the lib.

sometimes, learning is fun

this New Testament class I am in right now is, well, hard - but kind of amazing. sometimes I'm a little baffled that this is the stuff I am getting credit to learn, since it seems like stuff I should be learning anyway. its a little bit like a really really intense Bible study with a really freaking smart leader. I came back across this in studying for my midterm (which was hard. if you wondered.) and wanted to share it, because its pretty good news. Paul was a pretty sweet guy.

"...We do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
...
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4

sometimes even in texts we may have read millions of times, new and beautiful truths reveal themselves and bring us encouragement! so while I might feel hard pressed on every side, struck down, perplexed, persecuted - Paul reminds me (and the church in Corinth) that I am not crushed, not in despair, not abandoned, not destroyed - because of the truth of the death of Christ.
lately, I've been forgetting that, and having a pretty big pity party for my "suffering"... but today I am reminded of the truth.
and it's a pretty good day.

tear your curtains down, for sunlight is like gold

hiiiii everybodyyyy
things that make me not want to study: beautiful weather
things that are currently ruining my life: midterms
so that's that.
not much going on here in sunny, fabulous Denver... I am in full swing of midterms, which is, at this moment, ruining my life. dramatic? I think no. I would say I am looking forward to spring break, which is looming so closely in the future, but even then I'm fairly certain I'll be working on a take-home midterm and a paper. gross. I am, however, pretty darn excited about heading back to Wichita for a while for Easter and SB... really can't wait for that. I've been getting all kinds of nostalgic lately and missing my family. namely I look at new pictures of timmy and shelbs and it takes everything in me not to get in my car and drive there! soon!
I went to the Spurs/Nuggets game on Friday night! oh so sadly, my Spurs LOST - but never you fear, they beat the Nuggets tonight by 4. HA! for those of you (cough, TIM, cough) who say to me that now that I live in Denver I need to be a Nuggets fan - I say this - I will probably always love the Spurs. fact. I will root for the Nuggets... but only when they are not playing the Spurs. ok? ok.
I am newly obsessed with the movie "Once" - the modern day musical! I watched it with Allison and Sarah on Sat. night and I LOVE it. I bought the soundtrack (the music is incredible - specifically I love "Gold" and "Falling Slowly") and have been listening to it constantly. love. beautiful movie. watch it!

other things you might need to know:
new favorite thing Timmy has ever said: Wabioli (translation: Ravioli; context: "I had wabioli for dinner. do you yike wabioli? do you have wabioli at your house? you do? mommy, she has wabioli at her house too!")
other recent thing ruining my life: I pulled my hamstring (skiing, I think, SHOCKING) and am limited now to working out on the BIKE, which I hate. lame.
new ways in which I impress men: by changing the channel on the TV at the Y to ESPN (to watch the Spurs game)
new fave song pretty much: Low by Flo Rida featuring T-Pain. what.
new hobby: critiquing thomas' facebook profile and making him change things I don't like.
new favorite way to waste my life: www.etsy.com. Karli, (Bodie's mom) gave me the website. I emailed her the next day saying this: "now that you have given me this website, you're going to have to start paying me more so that I can afford both groceries AND handcrafted accessories!" she responded: "maybe I can start paying you IN handcrafted accessories. you'd be hungry and homeless but you'd sure look cute on the street!" love it.
other other thing that is ruining my life: I currently can't find my favorite necklace! Bodie ripped it off me the other day and although I fixed it, I fear it may have fallen off! say your prayers for my necklace. please. I beg of you.
new grossest thing ever: last week, I'm pretty sure I went 4 days without washing my hair. I got this cute hat recently that covers the hair just perfectly when the last thing you want to do is, well, your hair. don't judge me.

thats all I can think of. hope you enjoyed this little glimpse into my life.

ps. Lori - I know you will read this and then probably send me another email telling me you want to know more things, and this is my public way of telling you that I adore you, love you, have not forgotten who you are, my fingers are not broken, and I will in fact call you sometime soon. a blog shout out for a blog stalker is supposed to be a pretty big deal I think... I hope you enjoy it!

another sunny day

in honor of the most beautiful Saturday... and so I don't freak out about the snow that appeared the next day. is it Spring yet?

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginably You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
- ee cummings

all the dogs that bark from the fences and everything is wanting for you

today it was 70 degrees and amazing. I love Colorado.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2031163&l=933b8&id=24900146

view these photos for proof of my fabulous social life!

and these because they're ahhhhhdorable.

you got me trippin', stumblin', flippin', fumblin'

hello beautiful people!
here we are on this beautiful (and I do mean gorgeous - high of 60 and sunny - AMAZING) leap year day! how exciting! I don't have all that much to report, really, but since I am overdue for an update I'll see what I can do in the way of a review of whats new and exciting in my glamorous life.
I recently learned (thanks to Nick Arojo on TLC's What Not to Wear), after something like 10 years with curly hair, HOW TO DO my curly hair and not to look like a lion. this information is essentially rocking my world.
Kelly came to visit, she ROCKED her interview with Regis for PT school, and GOT IN! so basically, she will more than likely move here, to Denver, in August. SO FUN and fun and fun. YAY!
hmm. Last night tried out this champagne bar downtown for Beckie's birthday called Corridor 44 in Larimer Square, and it was so fab. I felt pretty glam, gotta be honest.
TONIGHT - I am beyond excited, because I am going to The Toad Tavern. let me explain. the Toad Tavern is this little bar across the street from my friend Lacey's apartment, and I have been talking about wanting to go there since the beginning of the semester (because, I mean, its called TOAD TAVERN - the Triple T) and my friend Rob Drabkin (see: myspace.com/robbrocks) is headlining there tonight!!!! when I saw the flier for the first time, I nearly wept with joy. so that is tonight. fun live music and my favorite place I've never been to. this is a pretty big weekend for me I think!

I can't think of all that much more to say at this time - wish me luck at the Toad tonight and I hope you all have fab weekends as well!

loooooooooooveeeeeeeeeeeeee