"I want the things you just can't give me" - on Lent

Giving it up.
Sacrifice.
Suffering.

These concepts do not thrill me.

Imagine my dismay every year when Lent comes around. Lent, I feel, is an interesting thing. Some people do it, some people don't. Some people think it's a Catholic thing - but in the churches I have grown up in (and continue to grow up in), we have always accepted giving something up for Lent as a fairly standard practice. I've done it. I've been overly legalistic about it. I've screwed it up. I've pretty much been all across the board when it comes to Lent. When I was younger I thought I had to give up things like chocolate, sugar - very obvious things. Now, there's not anything wrong with that, all I mean is that it wasn't so much a prayerful decision about what to sacrifice, but more of a "what will the other girls be giving up?" kind of decision. Welcome to my teen years. I was a real gem.

It is not a secret to many of you that this has not been the most fun year. I struggled with experiencing what appeared to be a time of silence from God - I could not for the life of me figure out what the heck God was trying to do to me. I just recently bought a greeting card that says, "Anything described as a 'learning experience' is probably something that just sucked a whole bunch." We'll call this bit of time one such learning experience. So when I showed up at Ash Wednesday church, I was ready for something, anything, to help me understand what God was doing. I read this in the "Guide to Lent" that I was given on Ash Wed:

"The word [Lent] itself connects us to a season of life. This is a messy season, a season where things get muddy and windblown, where we discover forgotten litter and broken limbs under the snow. Lent is a path we may choose to deal with this mess. Rather than rush to clean it up or ignore it until the neighbors complain, we roll up our sleeves and sort through the debris. Ultimately, it is a journey designed to reveal more of who Jesus is and who we are in response. The ancient church understood that ashes are a prerequisite for Easter, brokenness for healing, death for resurrection. Our ancestors have given us Lent to help us find our way."

Um, wow. Not often in life do I feel like God speaks so clearly to me... but this was just what I needed to hear. I cried like a baby. The girl next to me asked awkwardly, "Um... are you... ok?" I was, finally. Maybe other people felt messy, muddy and windblown, too. Maybe the placement of this difficult time was to make Lent all the more enticing... to remind me that I wasn't going to pull myself up by my bootstraps, but that I needed help sorting through the debris. ‘Brokenness for healing.’ Thank God.

During Lent, we give stuff up for 40 or so days. We call it sacrifice. But God wants us [me] to look deeper. What keeps me from the Lord? What are my deepest sins? What am I holding onto the most tightly? I have this sinking feeling that God wants that stuff. God wants that so that I have nothing keeping me from understanding. I have to clean up the mud and the mess so my vision is not blurred by those things - so that when Easter comes, I get to celebrate and rejoice without the broken mess holding me back. So that when God makes my way out of the wilderness, I can see the path.

The rich young man (see: Luke 18:18-23) asked Jesus what he had to do to go to heaven. He was good. He followed the rules [i.e.: gave something up for Lent every year]. He probably gave up coffee or something. But were delicious, hot, caffeinated beverages what owned his heart and kept him from the Lord? Nope. "Give up all ya dolla dolla billz!" is what Jesus told him. (Yes. Sometimes in my head, Jesus sounds like a rapper.) Money was what the rich man needed to give up (and not just for 40 days, either), because it was the thing he couldn't bear to part with. Even if it meant heaven, eternal life with God, it was too scary to give up what was comfortable. So the man - a good man, mind you - went away, sad. Resigned. It was too much to give.

I wonder what Jesus would say to me if the story was called "the not-so-rich young newly 24 year old named Megan." If I said, "Hey, so Jesus, I do lots of pretty Christian stuff... I mean, I'm in Seminary. I go to church every Sunday... I try not to break the big rules, and I even gave up watching TV online for Lent. So I'm going to heaven, right?" What would Jesus say to me? What is my "money"? "Sure, Megan, you're on the right track. Just one more thing. Give me [insert monumental request here]. Then you're in." I hope that I wouldn't walk away sad. But that's what I need to give up. All the time. Every single stinking day... not just during Lent. Dang it.

So these are my ever-so-deep thoughts on Lent. I feel pretty lucky to be in a school where I do get to learn more about stuff like this, and additionally a part of a church that explains to those of us who don't know what is the significance of such important holidays, because they are so much more than holidays. I have more thoughts, in fact, on Easter - which I may post later... we'll see. But for now, as Lent draws to a close, how cool is it that a tradition so old can be so easily applicable to our current circumstance?

As we come closer to Easter, and circumstances of life do not get any easier, I am thinking about what are the things I need to part with even after Lent is over. I hope that my mess is cleared just enough that I can celebrate and find joy in the resurrection, in the gift of salvation. On holy Saturday, which is a day when hope is thought to be dead, we grieve the death of Christ. But we hold out for Sunday - with hope and anticipation - because, praise God, death isn't the end of the story. In Christ, it never is.

concerts that rock my world

Last night, we went to a concert... the Ten out of Tenn tour starring Andy Davis, Griffin House, Erin McCarley, Katie Herzig, Butterfly Boucher, Tyler James, Trent Dabbs, Matthew Perryman Jones, k.s. Rhoads, and Jeremy Lister. Now, I am familiar with a couple of those people... Katie Herzig was the special music singer at Frontier Ranch when I took kids back in college, so I know her stuff pretty well. But this concert seriously was delightful. 10 different artists switching around, playing together and loving it, and making really good music. I love live music, I really do, and this did not disappoint! I would have bought 10 cd's if that wouldn't have been wildly expensive.
So at the end of the show, they all 10 came out into the audience to sing a song - and they ended up coming RIGHT by where me and my friends were. Beckie was whispering in my ear the entire time that Andy Davis was practically touching me ("touch his butt! smell his hair! stick your number in his pocket!") it was a really cool little moment if I do say so myself, and so naturally, I took a little video. It's a little dark, but look how close they are! Man, I love stuff like that. I suppose I am easy to please, but this concert made me very happy. Giddy like a school girl, as Kelly "Missy Misdemeanor Elliot" Marhaver and I used to say. So here's the video.



Songs I recommend you invest in/investigate: the song every girl was swooning over, by the dreamy Griffin House: "the guy who says goodbye to you is out of his mind," "Let the Woman" by the equally dreamy Andy Davis who performed in a fedora and purple velvet jacket (the fedora count was out of control at this place), White Dash or Gun for a Tongue by the incredibly bada$$ Australian bassist, Butterfly Boucher... I was also impressed by Erin McCarley, but that was mostly because she is approximately 3 feet tall and wore about 12 inch heels the entire concert. Very impressive. Also look into "Pitterpat" by her. And Katie - "forevermore." The others were good too, I'm just pretty sure you're getting tired of me recounting every individual song. No? Oh, and Tyler James, who looks about 15, plays a mean trumpet and can actually pretty adequately rock out on the piano. It was such a good concert.

In other much less exciting news, Aud is back in the hospital (hopefully for a very short visit!) and continued prayers for her are much appreciated. I am looking forward to heading home at the end of the week and still just struggling with wanting to be there, well, all the time. I am currently praying for a very providential job situation to come up to make it possible for me to be there this summer.

ok... off to study... happy palm sunday!!

i am not sorry when sun and rain make april

more like... when snow and sleet and hail make April. who else is sick of this weather?

not only is that a line from my favorite poem and blog title inspiration, i am a little church, but it is true. I love April.
I love April because I think April is a very pretty sounding month name... and also (and most importantly) because my birthday is in April! if there is one thing I inherited from my mother (and lets be honest, there's more than one), it is the love of a good birthday. I LOVE my birthday. love it. not ashamed about loving it. and it's not because I like presents or attention (although lets be honest, I do), but I just love birthdays. other people's too. I think it's so fun to celebrate people and get to overwhelm them with attention and unnecessary amounts of singing and embarrassment on their special day. I think they are so happy. birthdays, that is. so there. this year mine is the day before Easter... and I'll be in Wichita with my fam and Beckie Johns! so fun.

lastly on this freezing cold pathetic excuse for an April day, read this: #512: thinking you're naked. I think it rocks worlds.

In other news, I hope someday I have kids who can dance like this kid.

Happy April!

sometimes we get lost, but soon we'll be found

well, I'm back in Denver... trying to regain some semblance of a normal life after this crazy month or so. I got to finally spend some good time with my friends Allison and Beckie today after not seeing them for practically a month... so I'm feeling more and more in the loop again with every passing moment! and you know how I like to be in loops. all loops, really. lets just be honest. I am big into loops and being in them and all that loops entail. We know this about me... the hopeless extrovert. such is my plight. (let it be known that in the past, I have used 'plight' incorrectly. this seems more right. we'll see.)
so that is life. Spring Break was more of the same, spending time with my two sweet nieces and getting my butt kicked in board games by both of my cutie pie nephews. it really was a lovely, relaxing week. and can we talk about how it is going to be APRIL tomorrow??? I mean, how did that happen? seriously. where does time go?
this week is pretty basic... it is spring break at Denver Christian so I get two more days off internship. since at one point I toyed with going to San An this weekend (and now am definitely not), I had asked off work too! So I have two WICKED long shifts tomorrow and Thurs (9 and 6 hours respectively... what the heck) and then friday, saturday and sunday I have... get this... NOTHING GOING ON. what does that even mean? I forget what you even do when there is nothing on the schedule! here are the things I am toying with: pedicures, shoe shopping, matinees, being really ambitious and going to the mountains... the world is my oyster! Denver is, anyway. I'm going to a concert on Saturday night with some friends which I'm excited about too. I don't know many of the performers (there are 10!) but the ones I do know are Butterfly Boucher, Katie Herzig (a young life singer!), and Erin McCarley. all things that include being in the loop thrill me to no end. it's like I'm 15 and I just got ungrounded or something. only my parents didn't ground me... life grounded me. what? what am I talking about? I have been over-utilizing metaphors lately and I get myself (and probably others as well) confused. no more metaphors for me today. promise.

did I mention that I chaperoned the DC 8th grade dance last weekend? well, I did. it was hilarious... not much going on in terms of awkward slow dancing or anything, but the kids had fun even if they claimed that at times "it was, like, sooooo lame." whatever. don't think I didn't see you having fun, you little brats. I got to play the roles of gatekeeper (no, I'm sorry, you can't go outside by yourselves), counselor (what's the drama? why are you crying?), nay-sayer (no, I'm sorry boys, even if you pay me $20 with your pooled funds from your velcro wallets I will not leave and drive you to the movies), hair stylist (why yes, I would love to straighten your hair for you), and excellent dancer (yes, thats right, we danced too! at one point one of the 6th grade teachers was bouncing her butt off of mine and I thought I might die from the pure hilarity of the moment). it was pretty fun and highly exhausting. here was my outfit for the "hollywood" theme - with Allison, one of my co-interns:If you're wondering, no one else dressed up other than me and Allison. but if you ask me, we looked like a million bucks, and every 8th grade boy asked if they could borrow my "scarf" at one point or another. and yes, I meant to type 'boy,' if you were confused.

finally, here are my two favorite pictures from the week at home:
shelbs borrowing my Uggs:
and, timmy, the slerber head:
and that is that!
keep praying for Audrie and Wilson... I would like for cancer to leave them alone! they are two of the strongest people I know. I feel pretty lucky to have such amazing role models!

and finally... I am brought back, again, to Habakkuk today:
"though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls - yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior."
How lovely that even when everything sucks (which I firmly believe is the contemporary way of recapping part one of that verse), God never changes. God is always something to rejoice about. times are sucky and yet we rejoice; we find joy. I think that's lovely.

memorabilia and the like

When I was home in Wichita for spring break, I got a little scanner happy. it started with pictures... then I couldn't resist when I ran across these three things... how's this for funny:

the first is the map that Mrs. Marhaver, Kelly's mom, made for me when I turned sixteen. Please note the important things that are on it, like Towne East mall, the Palace (movie theater), Hobby Lobby, Quik Trip (for fountain drinks, obv) and Kelly and Jacquie's house. that map was a lifesaver. It got a little embarrassing when everytime I wanted to go somewhere I had to say, "Thomas, (who was what, like, 12 at the time?) can I have directions to Kelly's house?" Thank you, Mama Marhaver.
For the next two we need to spend a minute talking about how awesome my cousin Elaine and I were growing up (and still are, clearly). This is the Official Pen Pal Pact. She mailed it to me and I had to sign both of our copies and send hers back. I have had it ever since. We have never been very good at honoring the pact, if I'm not mistaken, but the thought is definitely there. big hearts Lainey, my FDHT. Only very lucky people know what this stands for...


This last one is near and dear to my heart. it is my fake ID that MFAJ (My Favorite Aunt Jer) made for me (and Elaine, MFDHT) so we could play college. We had this elaborate setup where Gram's guest bedroom was our dorm room, we made class schedules out of stuff Gram had lying around, and we were the captains of everything. And I do mean everything. We basically made a list of activities (i.e.: volleyball, water volleyball (we went to the pool alot), synchronized swimming, cheerleading, dance team... you get the idea) and then divied up who got to be captain of which activity. Elaine and I were the captains of everything that our imaginary college had to offer. Apparently being captains of things was the end-all-be-all of coolness. The year Elaine went to college she wrote me a letter explaining that college was not quite what we had planned for it to be, and that I should be prepared for that. Please note that we lived in California, my name was Kristine Michaels, and that my picture is a cut out of the Christmas card that year. Delightful.

Here are some other things I scanned, for your viewing pleasure:
Me and the infamous Elaine painting american flags on our nails on the 4th of July:Amie, me and Audrie at my high school graduation, looking really stellar:
Thomas, me and Ben at Old Time Photos, which we always ALWAYS wanted to go do at the Lake... please note that I am making sure that you cannot see my braces. Not that I was embarrassed, I'm just all about authenticity, and I'm pretty sure in the olden times they didn't have braces. and this, I mean, I just can't help it. What the heck am I doing?OK I'm sorry... I can't stop... look at our shoes! And Ben's dorky face. I just love it.

AAAAAAAND that's how I spent my Spring Break! jealous?
well... that's not entirely true. I got to hang out with Em and Joel... we didn't take any pictures because we went to a movie and that would have been weird. I also hung out with these two hooligans and we took about a billion pictures of ourselves on photobooth:all in all... it's been a really great week!

this made me laugh really hard today

apparently I'm rambly in the wee hours

It is 12:30 and I am up late thinking about my lovely Bible study tonight. Let me say first - it lasted like 5 hours. Between visiting before, doing the hour study, discussing the hour study, prayer requesting, praying, and then spending time together, I don't see how that will ever end up being a timely situation.
Secondly and more importantly, I think I might love this group. I definitely have a little crush on it, and I might even like like it - and I'm toying with dropping the L bomb. Needless to say. I was struck tonight by the uniqueness of this group, at least in my own life. I have been in some pretty fabulous small groups, in my opinion, but this one is standing out to me so far (and we're only on week 3). I know that it's the people who are making the difference here - and I want so badly to put it into words. I think there are a few things I can put my finger on...

Last week, since I had to fly home at the last minute, I missed our study. I called the leader, my friend Joel, and told him what had happened and that I wouldn't be there that evening. In calling him, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would be prayed for and that my family would as well. And yes, that isn't terribly novel - but I hardly know these people! They don't know much about me or I about them. But I knew that they would meet that need authentically and awesomely. That's the only way I know to describe it. I took note of this as a unique feeling.

I thought a lot tonight about community and what community should really look like as followers of Christ. As one sweet woman shared about her terribly personal struggles with infertility, filled with apprehension in sharing and subsequent gratitude at our response to her, I was struck by how so often we are resistant to share what is really on our hearts. As deep as her grief in the loss of two pregnancies, her babies, runs - she was still worried about what our response would be to her. This tells me one thing: there is something going terribly wrong with the church and with the body of Christ as a whole. Christian community should be a safe place to bear one another's burdens, to comfort and cover one another in prayer. I don't know if you have ever found yourself sharing something of yourself and suddenly feeling the urge to apologize for yourself? That is what I'm talking about. Tonight in my new friend's story I heard that longing that we all share to be who we are despite all the crap that infiltrates our lives and the shame we experience as a result. We got to share in our different losses together and be there for each other in a way that was really quite beautiful.

Lastly, as we rallied around another member who is struggling to quit smoking, I listened to these friends of mine talk to this guy as though we were about to go into battle with him. An intense analogy, but the point is that this guy is struggling and asking for prayer and people are going out of their way and instead of going through the week praying, "Please let so and so quit smoking" and that be the end of it - asking what WE can do as a community and as people who care for him to help him. Simple, yes. Easy, not so much. I wondered to myself in that moment if I was as willing as these two soldiers to join with this almost complete stranger in battle - and I found that I really was. As he was prayed for by another member of the group, they prayed that our friend would know that we, as a community, were prepared to be warriors for him - that we were ready to be there for the battle. I know that when I need them, these people will rally around me in the same way.

I am so so so thankful, at this point in my life, that I have such brave warriors to fight with me. I definitely wouldn't limit that to this group - but I would without hesitation extend it to my family, to my sweet friends here in Denver, in Kansas, and in Texas. I think I got a great picture tonight of what genuine Christian community is intended to be like. We fight for each other; we bear one another's burdens; we cover one another in prayer. We are who we are and we ignore that urge to apologize for it. We care for one another on a deep level beyond how well we know one another.
Every now and then I think we get a glimpse of something really, really, deeply good. Something that is really true. The main character in the book I just read for book club, Perry L. Crandall, is a mentally challenged (but not retarded) man who wins the lottery. Perry would always bounce when he got really excited about something. Nights like tonight make me want to bounce.
And in the words of Perry L. Crandall:
"That is so cool."

a note on job security

So I'm in this coffee shop trying to study. Simple enough. However, I am not sure which is more perturbing: the fact that I simply cannot make my fingers type words about the nature of personhood, or the 27 (quite possibly not an exaggeration) teenyboppers who just infiltrated Solid Grounds with their skinny jeans and swoopy hair and hair ribbons and general LOUDNESS. don't get me wrong - I love a good teenybopper. It is a known fact - I truly do. but at this moment I am finding myself filled with very little teeny love.
Here's what I see from where I sit: three giddy teeny girls trying very hard to act cooler than they are while a clearly very cool teeny boy with a metal studded belt holding his pants in place directly in the center of his butt approaches to sweep them off their collective feet. Awkward teenybopper side hugs as far as the eye can see!! Maybe I can count this time as observation hours or something for my degree. That sounds fair, right? and that way I'm not totally wasting my life at this moment.

I'll just keep telling myself that this scene should inspire me to learn as much as I can so I can be a really good counselor to teenybopper girls who are enraptured by teenybopper boys with their pants that show their butts. They need my help, they need my help, they need my help...

Ok. The decision is made. I legitimately cannot get anything done in this environment - albeit inspiring. Off I go to my home where I will inevitably be enticed more by my bed than my ethics book and personhood paper. Such is life. At least I have been reminded that the need for my profession will be alive and well as long as teenyboppers are still teenyboppers. Job security is always a good thing.

one day at a time

i'm here, and that's good.
it's been a rough couple of days. my grandpa, Jim, passed away on Thursday morning after a long battle with his health, cancer, old age, and all that. I am so sad to lose him, but I'm thankful that his struggle is over and that he's not in any pain anymore. Tomorrow Thomas and I will go to Kansas City for a reception in his honor, to be with our Nana as well as Dad and cousins, etc. I have such great memories of Jim when I was a little girl - I just thought he was the greatest person. He was funny and joyful and made me so happy. We always called him Jim because he was our Dad's stepdad, but Mom tells me that whenever I talked about them I called them "my Nana and my Jim." He will always be My Jim.
I am also spending time with my sister Audrie and the rest of my family as Audrie fights stupid cancer in the hospital. She is a rockstar and a constant picture of strength and dignity and I'm just glad to get to be here spending time with her. I ask for your continued prayer over her, that God would heal her body, that the doctors would be given wisdom and discernment as to her treatment and care. It is so nice to be home with my family, all together during this crappy time. you can read what is going on at Aud's CaringBridge page: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/audriesparks.
Thanks to all of you who are already praying for me and for my sister and family. I have felt so much love from all sides, and I am so thankful for all of my friends in Denver and all over the place. We are so blessed and I am so happy to be all together here in Wichita. Keep the prayers coming!

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.... Therefore we do not lose heart." 2 Corinthians 4

p.s.

in the "put a penny in the slot" post I used the word 'awesome' more often than I'm comfortable with. I'd like to take a moment to apologize for not putting more effort in for more thoughtful adjectives. I'll be more conscientious in the future. promise.

it's my prerogative (doo doo doo doo doo)

in other news, you may have noticed that I am trying out new blog titles. I'm a little bit sick of "exactly how you hear it," even though it has treated me well over the year (and some change). the times they are a changin'...

put a penny in the slot

here's what I'm doing: cleaning. deep cleaning. and laundry. including sheets. organizing my life. getting ready for another busy week. recovering from a busy weekend of birthdays and general merriment. being excited about the 2 hour movie event of Brothers and Sisters tonight!

here's what I'm loving: the season of Lent - seriously - I am loving it. I went to an awesome Ash Weds service and since then have just been all about this Lenten thing... this is potentially the first time I have taken the time to take Lent really seriously and actually wonder about what the whole deal entails. we had an awesome sermon this morning about giving God what we least want to give. so good.
I'm also loving my internship... I am having so much fun getting to know the kids. I have one 2nd grader who I see on a fairly regular basis - and every time I go to his classroom to pick him up, he pumps his arm and says "Yesssss!" under his breath. makes my day every single time.

here's what I'm listening to: "I Don't Know" - by Lisa Hannigan. It is the best song I have heard in a LONG time... I can't get enough. here's my fave line: "I don't know if you can dance - if the thought ever occurred to you; if you eat what you've been given or you push it around your plate... I'd like to cook for you, all the same. If you want to, I am game." I'm also enjoying Ingrid Michaelson's live cover of Radiohead's "Creep." both are more than worth the 99 cents on iTunes.

here's what I'm reading: Lottery, by Patricia Wood... for Book Club! I like it so far... and Mom and I have the same book for our respective book clubs this month! so fun! I also read for school every now and then, too.

here's what I'm looking forward to: my spring break trip to Houston and San Antonio. the Bachelor Finale tomorrow night (finally I get my Monday nights back!). my friend Juli from high school moving here this summer! my friend Jenn from Trinity visiting and potentially moving here this summer as well!

here's whats new: I started attending a new Bible study and we're doing the Truth Project - just like Mom and Tim are doing in Wichita! I enjoyed the first week a lot. The question that he posed at the end has me thinking: "Do you really believe that what you believe is really real?" umm... do I? I mean, I'm tempted to say yes... but my life pretty much says otherwise. if I believe in the mighty, saving grace of God... well, lets just say that my life doesn't so much reflect that I believe that. which troubles me pretty greatly. I believe a lot of lies. I'm looking forward to being reminded of the Truth!

here's what I'm laughing at

that about covers whats going on in my life. just wanted to keep you up to date. and I've got to be honest... I also just wanted something easy to add and cross off my to-do list. I love adding silly things like "upload pictures to facebook" and "update blog" and then crossing them off like I've really gotten something big accomplished. it's the little things, I suppose.

learning lessons left and right

Often in my lifetime, I have misunderstood.
Flashback to the mid-90's: Mom gets Mariah Carey's "Hero" on CD for the first time. We are listening to it, and I, as a young thing, am swooning. The song ends, and I say to mom, "I think Chris **** is my hero." (I won't use his name, in the interest of protecting my childhood crush from googling his name and finding my blog... on second thought...) Mom says, "You idiot. The hero is inside YOU. Can you even hear?" Ok so she didn't say that - but she pointed out to me that the hero wasn't some 10 year old boy. Even then, I had missed the point. I saw something great (a Hero) and picked someone who could play that role for me.
Thank you, Mariah.

Last night I did a similar thing, because apparently I haven't grown up much. I was listening to my precious tiny red iPod on shuffle, as per usual, and who came on but none other than Allen Levi [Note to the reader: Allen Levi is an old-man Young Life singer who my mother loves and we shamelessly mock her by singing "sooomeonnne got a letter!" at her... I only like one song of his at all ever and it's this one] singing "Love of a Different Kind." Old-Manness aside, it's a good song.

"There's this beautiful princess, and there's a handsome prince. They look so good together; they make perfect sense. It's a storybook romance, the kind we like to see. This is love - the way we're told it should be.
But what if the prince found a poor ragged girl with a blemished face? Let's say, a girl from a ghetto. Crippled, and frightened, and bitter - from a different race. If he said, "I adore you, won't you please be mine?" We'd say this is love - of a different kind.
Love from a different place and a different time... We'd say this is love from a different heart and a different mind. Beautiful kindness almost seems bizarre. Extravagant blindness seems not to see her scars. He holds up the chalice, she drinks the wine - this is love of a different kind.
She looks in the mirror now, without disgrace. I am that girl, you are the girl with the blemished face. You see, this is love of a different kind."

So I start off in Disneyland, imagining Belle and the Beast... thinking about how someday my prince will come and it will be this beautiful story and blah, blah, blah. Long story short (without gaining you entry into too much of my crazy brain), I spend my time thinking of how in the future all these incredible things will happen, how I will know these great loves. I spend my time worrying about how this love will manifest itself in my immediate life. And just like the other day on the elliptical, my friends, I hear that still, small, voice; chock-full of kindness and patience - "You idiot. I already love you! Can you even hear?" God loves me like this right now. With beautiful kindness and extravagant blindness. I don't know why God's love is so hard for me to get - but it is so much bigger and grander than any prince or parent or friend... and it is often the last love I find myself longing for. There is so much to be thankful for, so much I am blessed by RIGHT NOW... and here I am toying with SOMEDAY. We can look in the mirror now without disgrace. Doesn't say anything about someday. And Allen Levi doesn't lie.

and I have so much to learn.

bye-yum-pum-pum

I've been all in the mood to blog the last couple days - and I have absolutely nothing to say. Ha.
So I'll tell you that first of all, last night was the first Book Club of my life, and it was everything I dreamed it would be. I have ALWAYS wanted to be in a book club - as many of you know, I heart reading, and I do it as often as possible. So a couple months ago, a friend was talking about her book club, and before I know it, it's the third Tuesday of February and I am in a coffee shop speed reading "Infidel" by Ayaan Hirsi Ali and at book club, book completed, by 7. Look at me go. And so, the verdict is in, Book Club is every bit as fun as I thought it would be. I feel way smarter and more grown up today than I have in a long time because I spent last night drinking wine with other grown ups and talking about modern-day Islam. WHAT UP!

Secondly, my favorite blog of all time, Stuff Christians Like, was lovely again today. I'd suggest you read it: Wondering if We're Worth Anything.

happy hump day... as soon as my iPod is done charging, I'm heading to the Y. No love-song-skipping today! and since I have a few minutes... here are some pictures from the weekend:

performing a dramatic skit at Seminary Olympics (we won by the way):
"the triplets" at my friend Erin's Valentine's shin-dig:
and last but not least, out downtown on valentine's day:I also feel, as a parting thought, that you should know that I am jamming to Xanadu by Olivia Newton John right now and I am loving every minute of it. true story.

what is not love: a valentine special

I'm not going to lie to you, valentines. This is how I started out this day:Bitter, party of one, your table is ready!

Yes that's right - I'll admit right here on the world wide web that as I was on the elliptical at the YMCA this morning, I skipped every song with the word love in it as it came up on my cute little red IPod Nano which was set on shuffle. Only when I got caught up watching "Chocolate Masterpieces" on the food network did I lose my song-skipping gusto and I missed one! So I ended up listening to "What is not love" by Derek Webb. As I marveled at the guy who was sculpting Michaelangelo's David out of a big hunk of white chocolate, my attention was snapped back to what I was listening to, and I heard something I really needed to.

The lyrics go something like this: "but I give myself to what looks like love/I sell myself for what feels like love/and I pay to get what is not love/and all just because I see things upside down."

All I could hear was this small voice telling me that I was seeing things upside down. I'm not quite comfortable saying that God tells me things, but if I was, I would say that it was my gracious Father reminding me of all the ways that my vision is blurred. So I started thinking about what it might mean to spend some time seeing things right side up. And that's what I'm going to focus on. Sure, valentine's day isn't my favorite holiday, but I can't so much complain about a day that reiterates how well I am loved by the people in my life, can I? I can't help but think of God's love for us, too, and how it must pain him to watch us give ourselves to things that are not love, and how it must please him when we begin to see things through God's eyes and not our own.

When I see things right side up, I enjoy my wonderful (and really funny) friends, I smell my pretty flowers (and appreciate the joy of the overly cheerful deliverer of said flowers), I get to help people dress for their dates tonight (or just get over the fact that they don't have a date my spending exorbitant amounts of money) (can you tell I have to work this afternoon? :)). I love the people who are important to me (I am lucky because there are so many!) and I can receive love from thosewho love me. Not to mention, I am a much nicer person to be around.

You heard it here first... Bitter Betty has left the building! happy love day!