Often in my lifetime, I have misunderstood.
Flashback to the mid-90's: Mom gets Mariah Carey's "Hero" on CD for the first time. We are listening to it, and I, as a young thing, am swooning. The song ends, and I say to mom, "I think Chris **** is my hero." (I won't use his name, in the interest of protecting my childhood crush from googling his name and finding my blog... on second thought...) Mom says, "You idiot. The hero is inside YOU. Can you even hear?" Ok so she didn't say that - but she pointed out to me that the hero wasn't some 10 year old boy. Even then, I had missed the point. I saw something great (a Hero) and picked someone who could play that role for me.
Thank you, Mariah.
Last night I did a similar thing, because apparently I haven't grown up much. I was listening to my precious tiny red iPod on shuffle, as per usual, and who came on but none other than Allen Levi [Note to the reader: Allen Levi is an old-man Young Life singer who my mother loves and we shamelessly mock her by singing "sooomeonnne got a letter!" at her... I only like one song of his at all ever and it's this one] singing "Love of a Different Kind." Old-Manness aside, it's a good song.
"There's this beautiful princess, and there's a handsome prince. They look so good together; they make perfect sense. It's a storybook romance, the kind we like to see. This is love - the way we're told it should be.
But what if the prince found a poor ragged girl with a blemished face? Let's say, a girl from a ghetto. Crippled, and frightened, and bitter - from a different race. If he said, "I adore you, won't you please be mine?" We'd say this is love - of a different kind.
Love from a different place and a different time... We'd say this is love from a different heart and a different mind. Beautiful kindness almost seems bizarre. Extravagant blindness seems not to see her scars. He holds up the chalice, she drinks the wine - this is love of a different kind.
She looks in the mirror now, without disgrace. I am that girl, you are the girl with the blemished face. You see, this is love of a different kind."
So I start off in Disneyland, imagining Belle and the Beast... thinking about how someday my prince will come and it will be this beautiful story and blah, blah, blah. Long story short (without gaining you entry into too much of my crazy brain), I spend my time thinking of how in the future all these incredible things will happen, how I will know these great loves. I spend my time worrying about how this love will manifest itself in my immediate life. And just like the other day on the elliptical, my friends, I hear that still, small, voice; chock-full of kindness and patience - "You idiot. I already love you! Can you even hear?" God loves me like this right now. With beautiful kindness and extravagant blindness. I don't know why God's love is so hard for me to get - but it is so much bigger and grander than any prince or parent or friend... and it is often the last love I find myself longing for. There is so much to be thankful for, so much I am blessed by RIGHT NOW... and here I am toying with SOMEDAY. We can look in the mirror now without disgrace. Doesn't say anything about someday. And Allen Levi doesn't lie.
and I have so much to learn.
February 24, 2009
February 18, 2009
bye-yum-pum-pum
I've been all in the mood to blog the last couple days - and I have absolutely nothing to say. Ha.
So I'll tell you that first of all, last night was the first Book Club of my life, and it was everything I dreamed it would be. I have ALWAYS wanted to be in a book club - as many of you know, I heart reading, and I do it as often as possible. So a couple months ago, a friend was talking about her book club, and before I know it, it's the third Tuesday of February and I am in a coffee shop speed reading "Infidel" by Ayaan Hirsi Ali and at book club, book completed, by 7. Look at me go. And so, the verdict is in, Book Club is every bit as fun as I thought it would be. I feel way smarter and more grown up today than I have in a long time because I spent last night drinking wine with other grown ups and talking about modern-day Islam. WHAT UP!
Secondly, my favorite blog of all time, Stuff Christians Like, was lovely again today. I'd suggest you read it: Wondering if We're Worth Anything.
happy hump day... as soon as my iPod is done charging, I'm heading to the Y. No love-song-skipping today! and since I have a few minutes... here are some pictures from the weekend:
performing a dramatic skit at Seminary Olympics (we won by the way):
"the triplets" at my friend Erin's Valentine's shin-dig:
and last but not least, out downtown on valentine's day:
I also feel, as a parting thought, that you should know that I am jamming to Xanadu by Olivia Newton John right now and I am loving every minute of it. true story.
So I'll tell you that first of all, last night was the first Book Club of my life, and it was everything I dreamed it would be. I have ALWAYS wanted to be in a book club - as many of you know, I heart reading, and I do it as often as possible. So a couple months ago, a friend was talking about her book club, and before I know it, it's the third Tuesday of February and I am in a coffee shop speed reading "Infidel" by Ayaan Hirsi Ali and at book club, book completed, by 7. Look at me go. And so, the verdict is in, Book Club is every bit as fun as I thought it would be. I feel way smarter and more grown up today than I have in a long time because I spent last night drinking wine with other grown ups and talking about modern-day Islam. WHAT UP!
Secondly, my favorite blog of all time, Stuff Christians Like, was lovely again today. I'd suggest you read it: Wondering if We're Worth Anything.
happy hump day... as soon as my iPod is done charging, I'm heading to the Y. No love-song-skipping today! and since I have a few minutes... here are some pictures from the weekend:
performing a dramatic skit at Seminary Olympics (we won by the way):
"the triplets" at my friend Erin's Valentine's shin-dig:
and last but not least, out downtown on valentine's day:
I also feel, as a parting thought, that you should know that I am jamming to Xanadu by Olivia Newton John right now and I am loving every minute of it. true story.
February 14, 2009
what is not love: a valentine special
I'm not going to lie to you, valentines. This is how I started out this day:
Bitter, party of one, your table is ready!
Yes that's right - I'll admit right here on the world wide web that as I was on the elliptical at the YMCA this morning, I skipped every song with the word love in it as it came up on my cute little red IPod Nano which was set on shuffle. Only when I got caught up watching "Chocolate Masterpieces" on the food network did I lose my song-skipping gusto and I missed one! So I ended up listening to "What is not love" by Derek Webb. As I marveled at the guy who was sculpting Michaelangelo's David out of a big hunk of white chocolate, my attention was snapped back to what I was listening to, and I heard something I really needed to.
The lyrics go something like this: "but I give myself to what looks like love/I sell myself for what feels like love/and I pay to get what is not love/and all just because I see things upside down."
All I could hear was this small voice telling me that I was seeing things upside down. I'm not quite comfortable saying that God tells me things, but if I was, I would say that it was my gracious Father reminding me of all the ways that my vision is blurred. So I started thinking about what it might mean to spend some time seeing things right side up. And that's what I'm going to focus on. Sure, valentine's day isn't my favorite holiday, but I can't so much complain about a day that reiterates how well I am loved by the people in my life, can I? I can't help but think of God's love for us, too, and how it must pain him to watch us give ourselves to things that are not love, and how it must please him when we begin to see things through God's eyes and not our own.
When I see things right side up, I enjoy my wonderful (and really funny) friends, I smell my pretty flowers (and appreciate the joy of the overly cheerful deliverer of said flowers), I get to help people dress for their dates tonight (or just get over the fact that they don't have a date my spending exorbitant amounts of money) (can you tell I have to work this afternoon? :)). I love the people who are important to me (I am lucky because there are so many!) and I can receive love from thosewho love me. Not to mention, I am a much nicer person to be around.
You heard it here first... Bitter Betty has left the building! happy love day!
Bitter, party of one, your table is ready!Yes that's right - I'll admit right here on the world wide web that as I was on the elliptical at the YMCA this morning, I skipped every song with the word love in it as it came up on my cute little red IPod Nano which was set on shuffle. Only when I got caught up watching "Chocolate Masterpieces" on the food network did I lose my song-skipping gusto and I missed one! So I ended up listening to "What is not love" by Derek Webb. As I marveled at the guy who was sculpting Michaelangelo's David out of a big hunk of white chocolate, my attention was snapped back to what I was listening to, and I heard something I really needed to.
The lyrics go something like this: "but I give myself to what looks like love/I sell myself for what feels like love/and I pay to get what is not love/and all just because I see things upside down."
All I could hear was this small voice telling me that I was seeing things upside down. I'm not quite comfortable saying that God tells me things, but if I was, I would say that it was my gracious Father reminding me of all the ways that my vision is blurred. So I started thinking about what it might mean to spend some time seeing things right side up. And that's what I'm going to focus on. Sure, valentine's day isn't my favorite holiday, but I can't so much complain about a day that reiterates how well I am loved by the people in my life, can I? I can't help but think of God's love for us, too, and how it must pain him to watch us give ourselves to things that are not love, and how it must please him when we begin to see things through God's eyes and not our own.
When I see things right side up, I enjoy my wonderful (and really funny) friends, I smell my pretty flowers (and appreciate the joy of the overly cheerful deliverer of said flowers), I get to help people dress for their dates tonight (or just get over the fact that they don't have a date my spending exorbitant amounts of money) (can you tell I have to work this afternoon? :)). I love the people who are important to me (I am lucky because there are so many!) and I can receive love from thosewho love me. Not to mention, I am a much nicer person to be around.
You heard it here first... Bitter Betty has left the building! happy love day!
February 8, 2009
sunday is a fun day
First let me ask you this. Is there such a thing as being too self-aware?
The answer is yes. yes there certainly is.
I'm sure its a gift somehow, and potentially I will learn how to regulate it soon, but when I can't even make my head stop spinning long enough to decide what to write in my silly blog, I think that there is definitely such a thing as being too introspective and too self-aware. Yes. Final answer.
Also FYI - I remixed the 25 things about me... its way funnier now. For those of you who read this from your email... click on THIS to get to the actual blog.
That preface aside (shout out to Lori - co-queen of the preface), hello! It is Sunday, and I do love Sundays. In the way of an update, I am currently working hard to acclimate to something of a grown-up schedule, with stuff going on all day long starting at (GASP) 8 am. What is that? I'm ok with the 8's, really, its the 7's I have a problem with. Having to be anywhere that causes me to have to wake up/leave the house in the 7's (or dare I say it - the 6's) - well I think that's just silly. So I'm busy all the time, which is actually kind of a nice change. Between being at school or reading for school, interning and counseling kids at Denver Christian, and trying on clothes I don't need at JCrew because no one actually shops anymore so thats what I do instead of sell - I am a busy woman. Not to mention I've been nannying fairly consisently the past few weeks. By Friday, I just need a nap. And maybe a hug.
Really, there is not much else to report. Today has been a pretty good day. I have to admit that it's been awhile since I felt really jazzy and joyful, and today in a kind of muted and commonplace way, I do. God reminded me today (perhaps even really began to teach me) that He is good, loving, and worthy of praise. I don't mean to sound trite, but even though life hasn't been quite what I'd like it to be lately, even in the times when I feel the most like crap, God is still God. God is good even when I feel like I can't quite see it. Today I'm finding rest in that. And being thankful for the people who are in my life who teach me these things whether they know it or not. I think this is a good start.
"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior." - Habakkuk 3:17-18
The answer is yes. yes there certainly is.
I'm sure its a gift somehow, and potentially I will learn how to regulate it soon, but when I can't even make my head stop spinning long enough to decide what to write in my silly blog, I think that there is definitely such a thing as being too introspective and too self-aware. Yes. Final answer.
Also FYI - I remixed the 25 things about me... its way funnier now. For those of you who read this from your email... click on THIS to get to the actual blog.
That preface aside (shout out to Lori - co-queen of the preface), hello! It is Sunday, and I do love Sundays. In the way of an update, I am currently working hard to acclimate to something of a grown-up schedule, with stuff going on all day long starting at (GASP) 8 am. What is that? I'm ok with the 8's, really, its the 7's I have a problem with. Having to be anywhere that causes me to have to wake up/leave the house in the 7's (or dare I say it - the 6's) - well I think that's just silly. So I'm busy all the time, which is actually kind of a nice change. Between being at school or reading for school, interning and counseling kids at Denver Christian, and trying on clothes I don't need at JCrew because no one actually shops anymore so thats what I do instead of sell - I am a busy woman. Not to mention I've been nannying fairly consisently the past few weeks. By Friday, I just need a nap. And maybe a hug.
Really, there is not much else to report. Today has been a pretty good day. I have to admit that it's been awhile since I felt really jazzy and joyful, and today in a kind of muted and commonplace way, I do. God reminded me today (perhaps even really began to teach me) that He is good, loving, and worthy of praise. I don't mean to sound trite, but even though life hasn't been quite what I'd like it to be lately, even in the times when I feel the most like crap, God is still God. God is good even when I feel like I can't quite see it. Today I'm finding rest in that. And being thankful for the people who are in my life who teach me these things whether they know it or not. I think this is a good start.
"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior." - Habakkuk 3:17-18
February 2, 2009
wasting perfectly good mondays - remix
I remixed the 25 random things list for Facebook and I think this list is funnier... so I'm re-posting. because I can.
1. I scored a 30/30 on the extroversion scale on the MBTI
2. I think my 4-yr-old nephew Timmy is the funniest person I know
3. when I was about 8, at least once a day I would flip my hair to one side and hairspray it (like DJ Tanner), then smash my nose with my finger (like some girl at school), look in the mirror, and wish that God would make me look just like that. please don't ask me why.
4. my biggest fears are Roombas, people who sleepwalk, turning into a debbie downer, Drop Dead Fred, heights (recovering), and walking into the Men's room on accident.
5. when I was little, there was a time when I was under the impression that male private parts were detachable.
6. I'm super impatient and appreciate immediate gratification
7. someday I'm going to get a tat and it's going to be awesome.
8. I miss being in choirs and having an excuse to sing on a daily basis. as a result, I hope to one day (sooner than later) belong to some kind of adult show choir
9. I think snot is the absolute 100% grossest thing on the entire planet
10. I wholeheartedly prefer real, printed pictures to digital ones
11. I am really good with names and faces. so much so that sometimes I pretend not to know people because I'm afraid it will make them feel bad for not remembering the one time we met 12 years ago. or they'll just think I'm creepy.
12. I have something ridiculous like 40 first cousins.
13. I have a blog. which I think makes me a blogger.
14. sometimes (more often than I'd like) I snort when I laugh.
15. I only recently retired/stopped sleeping with "roadkill rabbit," which was a stuffed bunny who slept under my head from age 5 to about... 22. and I mostly did it just because people kept making fun of me... not because I got mature or anything.
16. I paint my nails at least two times a week. I find it therapeutic. also I really can't stand chipped nail polish.
17. in middle school I collected X-Men cards because my best friend was a boy and convinced me that was something I should invest in. also, I collected pogs. also, I am a sucker.
18. I love TV shows from the 90's... my so called life, dawson's creek, party of 5...
19. I think heaven will be full of breakfast tacos from Panchitos. or Taco Taco. either way.
20. I am writing this note in tandem with Beckie Johns at the Panera in Aspen Grove instead of studying.
21. I don't like Oprah. not even a little bit.
22. I'm a little bit good at doing voices. however, I reserve the right not to perform if you ask me to... so... I'm just warning you
23. car washes make me really nervous. here's why: the other day I accidentally went through twice because I got stuck in the loop and couldn't get out any other way than to go through it again. true story.
24. I air-write a lot. so, if I'm holding a pen I will write in the air whatever is being said or what I am thinking. if I don't have a pen, I'll write on my thumb with my forefinger. people have started noticing... and I'm trying hard to stop. because its a little bit weird.
25. I love Jesus... but I drink a little. does that count as two?
1. I scored a 30/30 on the extroversion scale on the MBTI
2. I think my 4-yr-old nephew Timmy is the funniest person I know
3. when I was about 8, at least once a day I would flip my hair to one side and hairspray it (like DJ Tanner), then smash my nose with my finger (like some girl at school), look in the mirror, and wish that God would make me look just like that. please don't ask me why.
4. my biggest fears are Roombas, people who sleepwalk, turning into a debbie downer, Drop Dead Fred, heights (recovering), and walking into the Men's room on accident.
5. when I was little, there was a time when I was under the impression that male private parts were detachable.
6. I'm super impatient and appreciate immediate gratification
7. someday I'm going to get a tat and it's going to be awesome.
8. I miss being in choirs and having an excuse to sing on a daily basis. as a result, I hope to one day (sooner than later) belong to some kind of adult show choir
9. I think snot is the absolute 100% grossest thing on the entire planet
10. I wholeheartedly prefer real, printed pictures to digital ones
11. I am really good with names and faces. so much so that sometimes I pretend not to know people because I'm afraid it will make them feel bad for not remembering the one time we met 12 years ago. or they'll just think I'm creepy.
12. I have something ridiculous like 40 first cousins.
13. I have a blog. which I think makes me a blogger.
14. sometimes (more often than I'd like) I snort when I laugh.
15. I only recently retired/stopped sleeping with "roadkill rabbit," which was a stuffed bunny who slept under my head from age 5 to about... 22. and I mostly did it just because people kept making fun of me... not because I got mature or anything.
16. I paint my nails at least two times a week. I find it therapeutic. also I really can't stand chipped nail polish.
17. in middle school I collected X-Men cards because my best friend was a boy and convinced me that was something I should invest in. also, I collected pogs. also, I am a sucker.
18. I love TV shows from the 90's... my so called life, dawson's creek, party of 5...
19. I think heaven will be full of breakfast tacos from Panchitos. or Taco Taco. either way.
20. I am writing this note in tandem with Beckie Johns at the Panera in Aspen Grove instead of studying.
21. I don't like Oprah. not even a little bit.
22. I'm a little bit good at doing voices. however, I reserve the right not to perform if you ask me to... so... I'm just warning you
23. car washes make me really nervous. here's why: the other day I accidentally went through twice because I got stuck in the loop and couldn't get out any other way than to go through it again. true story.
24. I air-write a lot. so, if I'm holding a pen I will write in the air whatever is being said or what I am thinking. if I don't have a pen, I'll write on my thumb with my forefinger. people have started noticing... and I'm trying hard to stop. because its a little bit weird.
25. I love Jesus... but I drink a little. does that count as two?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)